Relucant Rambling

I just want to say thank you to you guys who commented on my last post. It was totally unexpected and I really appreciate your kind words. Even though that post is relatively old, the feelings haven't subsided- last night I went to bed more 'alone' than I have felt in a while. Someone told me last night that in order for me to not be so lonely I have to first learn to love myself. At first I scoffed at this; after all it wasnt something I hadn't heard in the past, and it surely wasnt something I wanted to hear, especially last night. I lay there in bed thinking that if I have never unconditionally loved myself before, how could I magically start doing so now? I realized then just how long I might actually find myself in this position.

I thought that coming out of the closet was going to be the answer, that magic cure, the unbelievable end to my everpresent sadness. It had me fooled for a while, it really did. I smile to think of how happy I've been for the past few months; it was something I had never experienced that greatly before in my life. Now however, I am on the downswing- definitely not at the low I was before (and I don't think i'll be seeing that for quite a long time, I hope) but not at that state of euphoric happiness either. Perhaps I am learning to find that balancing point, the neither happy nor sad, extactic nor depressed, emotional nor apathetic stais of my life. Perhaps I need to not think about loneliness in the long run but rather, to accept the fact that for the here-and-now, loneliness is somewhat necessary.

I love when blogging makes you realize things. Becuase sometimes, especially when random strangers find out things about me that are often emotionally ugly before they get to know the real me better, I feel like giving the entire thing up. The fact is that I didn't want to blog today. I felt as if I didnt have anything to say; but now that I've said it, I feel that much better.