Status: Single

You've gotta love it when life throws you a curveball. It's funny because the most profound changes and growth come from experiences that are totally unexpected. One of these curveballs was flung at me last night, and surprisingly I am doing a lot better right now than I thought I would be. I am disappointed that I am "too negative" for him, but in a way, it is just more incentive to try and do something about it. The biggest hurt came not from the fact that he didnt want to date me any longer, but because of the fact that my "pessimism" was what turned him off.

The reason that it was so painful was because that insight came at just the point in my life where I thought I was getting over it. For 5 years I have been dealing with the shit, missing out on experiences and chances because of it, and letting it control my life. However, I was under the impression that, since I came out, I had finally conquered the beast. The unfortunate reality, however, is that I had just surpressed it rather than burying it. Even though my friends and I are aware of how much happier I have been since that first week in October, people that I meet and interact with are still under the impression that negativity rules my life.

I want to disspell this notion once and for all. I don't know what it is i can do to make people know that, although I am not the most cheerful and happy-go-lucky person (and frankly, thats just not who I am), that I am NOT a depressed, suicidal, negative freak. I feel happy, I do find joy in some things, I do get annoyed by a lot of things, and I do still find more faults in myself that postivies. And no, I don't want to settle for that, but I don't want to "fix" all that before people accept me for who I actually am.

So yeah, I am single again. My first relationship with a guy, if you can even consider it that, lasted a week. I guess it's just another learning experience. A lesson that, even when you think things might just work out, that things are going great, that you seem to "click" with the other person....that a curveball and strikeout can come out of nowhere and leave you alone again.