Update

I hate it when I leave a semi-negative post up for a long time, cause it gives the impression that I am always negative when that really isnt the case. Thanksgiving break was great, I enjoyed going home and simply not being here. I am happy to be back, but the drive was just....death. Literally. My heart goes out to those that lost their lives in the crash...and to the rest of us that were so delayed. But at least I made it home in one piece.

Anyway, today has been an oddball. My sunglasses broke (and I mean non-wearable), my cell phone died as I was talking to Axel (so our lunch plans were thwarted and he was probably wandering around campus wondering where the hell I was...I feel sooo bad, I'm sorry Axel), I saw a bunch of people I recognized but that I was unable to approach (thanks to the wonders of meeting (or not?) people online), I sang like shit in my solo rehearsal (I have to do my final Italian diction presentation on Wednesday..."not prepared" is a severe understatement), And I am just generally feeling not so great. But it's all good.

I don't know why but I want someone...badly. I shouldnt really complain, I've only been out for about 2 months and I have gotten enough action....but I cant help but long for more. Its like when someone has seen a huge chocolate cake though a display case for their entire life...and finally they broke the glass...but only got one lick of icing before the cake was put in the fridge (my appologies for the extended metaphor, its the best I could come up with). So yeah, in this sea of people in Gainesville...I just want one (dont we all?). I don't understand why the quest is so damn near impossible. Perhaps because I am sitting rather than 'questing.' But whatever.

All that is keeping me going right now is staring at the serious cutie in front of me (much much more interesting than Introduction to Journalism hell). Too bad he is straight. I dunno, I am forced to ask myself whether or not I am drowning in a sea of being distracted by guys...and furthermore, whether or not I need to be saved. I seriously wish I knew. If someone has an answer for me, please dont hesitate to give your imput. The comment button is right below this line. Thank you.


Oh, and I came out to my dad. Just know that it went well. I'll blog more about it later.

Thanksgiving...should be 'Worryhaving' instead

So I am thrilled to be home. Here I sit, different location, same thoughts, added allergic reaction and annoyance of parents. I am glad to be away from Gainesville, but it has been almsost eerie, driving around at 11:10 last night and having gas stations be closed, noone on the roads, traffic lights changing for you. It is such a different dynamic in Gainesville than here, I can't help but be disappointed that when I look over at a red light that I see an old grandma rather than a hot UF boy. Can you blame me?

On that note, I am feeling very sexually frustrated tonight. I finally saw A Home at the End of the World, a great movie although the plot definitely drifted away from the plot of the novel (which I read earlier this semester). Collin Ferrel was HOT more so because he wasnt the womanizing dickface asshole that is in real life- instead he was passionate, caring, and beautiful inside and out. I wanted to kiss him myself. The fact that he was bisexual didnt help ease the sexual yearning, either. If you are even a little open minded I would highly reccomend both the book and the novel, they are both freaking fantastic.

Anyway, I mentioned that I was feeling alone, only becuase...now that my parents know that Kristin and I arent dating, I know they are wondering the real reason why. I don't think they suspect anything, but at the same time it just makes me think about it more and more. I just wish they weren't in their own world- my mom wont even know this kind of news is coming. And I'm having second thoughts about dad- he is so much more senile now than I remember. I mean...on top of coming out to them I am having worries about their health and how long they are actually going to be in my life. I know it's still early, but when I look at Frank (who is almost 40) and Paul (who is approaching mid-30s) I just realize how much less I am going to get to have Dad and Mom in my life than them. It is just a sad fact. And it makes me sadder when I realize that I cant keep my news to myself for very long, because it isnt like I am going to be 60 and have my dad at my side. Because there isn't any way he is living that long. I don't want to start sounding morbid, I don't think they are going to die tomorrow- I just feel like I need to tell them but, and here is the cliche part...how? I have no fucking idea. I just wish they could know by osmosis and I could just answer whatever questions they may have- but life doesnt work like that.

I sometimes wish I was more obviously gay, so it wouldnt come as such a shock to them. They are so old and have dealt with so much, with divorces and losing contact with their first son, hurricanes, weight issues, diabetes...I just don't want to dump this shit on them when I feel as if they cant handle it. I really am at a loss. I just want to tell them right now, but it's Thanksgiving and all. I just don't know. I am rambling, so I should probably end the post sometime soon. Have a goodnight everyone, and enjoy turkey with your respective families. Goodnight.

Gaydar? Hah.

So sudden-blogging-itis has struck me once again...figures because I am under my old familiar magnolia tree in the Plaza of the Americas. I also seem to be in a very rhetorical question kinda mood as well...so here goes.

A guy just walked by that, had I not seen him at a gay party, I would have never eexpected was gay. All too often I make assumptions that these guys stimply have to be straight. And it made me think- how many of me are there out there? How many of these cute guys that I look at all day long really arent the straight homophobes that I made them out to be? There are statistics that prove that gay men exisit...but finding the ones that dont bleed gayness is so impossible. I always tell myself that all these cuties are straight....but how many arent. And I wonder...how many of the ones that arent see me and simply assume the same about me? How many possibilities with straight acting hot boys have simply been thrown away because either they or I has made a false assumption?

I guess I'll never know...but the frustration contained therein is just so....bah! I know sometime fate will work in my favor...it just sucks that I desire something that has been made so nearly impossible to achieve. Be it society, or choice, or whatever, gayness is just always so secretive- unless you wear your sexuality on your sleeve. And people bitch about this stereotype...but can you blame them? At least other people know that they are gay and they arent glossed over all the time by people who are just speculative or assured that "oh, he's hetero." To me, they are inevitably the happy ones. Let me just say that being in the closet was one thing; finding someone in this newly lit up auditorium is almost just as difficult.

Status: Single

You've gotta love it when life throws you a curveball. It's funny because the most profound changes and growth come from experiences that are totally unexpected. One of these curveballs was flung at me last night, and surprisingly I am doing a lot better right now than I thought I would be. I am disappointed that I am "too negative" for him, but in a way, it is just more incentive to try and do something about it. The biggest hurt came not from the fact that he didnt want to date me any longer, but because of the fact that my "pessimism" was what turned him off.

The reason that it was so painful was because that insight came at just the point in my life where I thought I was getting over it. For 5 years I have been dealing with the shit, missing out on experiences and chances because of it, and letting it control my life. However, I was under the impression that, since I came out, I had finally conquered the beast. The unfortunate reality, however, is that I had just surpressed it rather than burying it. Even though my friends and I are aware of how much happier I have been since that first week in October, people that I meet and interact with are still under the impression that negativity rules my life.

I want to disspell this notion once and for all. I don't know what it is i can do to make people know that, although I am not the most cheerful and happy-go-lucky person (and frankly, thats just not who I am), that I am NOT a depressed, suicidal, negative freak. I feel happy, I do find joy in some things, I do get annoyed by a lot of things, and I do still find more faults in myself that postivies. And no, I don't want to settle for that, but I don't want to "fix" all that before people accept me for who I actually am.

So yeah, I am single again. My first relationship with a guy, if you can even consider it that, lasted a week. I guess it's just another learning experience. A lesson that, even when you think things might just work out, that things are going great, that you seem to "click" with the other person....that a curveball and strikeout can come out of nowhere and leave you alone again.

[Generic Happy/Sad Post]

Ah, blog. I have meant to write here for quite some time. It has definitely been a hectic week and weekend- the beginning of last week was marked by two papers being due, theory tests, annoyance in Italian diction...the end of the week was total chaos in the fact that it was homecoming- Gator Growl, Erica's parents were in town (both sets) and I hung with them, hung out with Axel a lot, ate out, and generally enjoyed myself. It definitely wasn't a bad weekend, but I am glad to be getting back to some semblence of normalcy. Or perhaps not. I am not quite sure what I want in regards to "normalcy." I dont think any life at this point could be considered normal: too much is changing, moving, stagnating, crashing down, and blossoming...all at once. Fucked up I know. No one said shit was easy to explain.

Compared to the past weekend, today has definitely regressed. Actually, the last hour has regressed. Today was fine: I felt really attractive today in my new corderoy pants and sweater, it was gorgeous out, I tried (and liked) Krishna Lunch, I met many people and saw many people, I skipped Journalism (that felt good), I made a nice dinner...but alas, I currently find myself nauseous and sad. I don't know why really, does every silver lined cloud end up housing a rainshower? I hope I am just overanalyzing things, and I have a deep feeling that I am.

Unfortunately I can no longer create coherent thought in the form of a post. I suppose it got to late and my stomach is churning too much. My mind is also clouded at the moment...I am one confused kid sometimes I swear. How could I have felt so on top of stuff earlier and now I feel so lost?? I hope this feeling is a fleeting one and that by tomorrow morning I have a repeat of this morning's clarity...but I cant help but worry that the clarity was the transient feeling. Anyhow, it is late and I am going to go to sleep. See ya.

Journalism? No. Blogging? Yes.

I am currently sitting in Intro to Journalism entirely bored off my ass. Why I have to sit through a class that isnt remotely related to my interests....is beyond me. It is sad that I have to bother and sit here. today it is "Photojournalism," which is interesting, but blogging definitely is looking better. I am trying to keep my typing quiet and it is kind of annoying. I don't really have much privacy here either, which doesn't really matter, but I still feel foolish writing right now....but I am so bored! Death.

I had a good day today, I saw a lot of people, Axel, Merit, Joe, Eric, Angela, Lina, Josue, Jeff Lee...all in all it made me feel like I wasn't so alone in this place. Axel introduced me to this Jamaican place on University that was actually really good, I've never had anything like it before...tasty and cheap. We talked for a while and I had a good time. My singing went well today also, more intimidating than I was expecting and I surely wasnt as emotional as I could have been...but it's over so that is good.

Today also marked a recession back into being distracted by a ton of hotties...they were out in full force today. They didn't depress me, but they didn't excite me eiter, yet I remained distracted. Sensical? Hardly. I wish my intrigue would just go away....but I have never known anything else, so to expect it to change right away seems unreasonable. Am I stuck with this endless practice? I hope it fades as things in my life start to realign...because now I feel somewhat guilty that my eyes are straying. Maybe not guilty....just kinda eh....like, its not the best thing to be doing with my time. Can I help it? I wish. If there is anything anyone knows as a cure, please let me know.

Anyway, I am going to conclude for now. Kudos to Katelyn and Steven for excellent recent posts. Check them out.

Happiness.

I've been meaning to post something for quite a while, but I have been pretty busy and haven't had a moment of time to come up with a post. All I can say tonight is that I am happy....and that life works in mysterious ways. I found someone great, someone exciting, someone that makes me smile. I am slowly turning all of this bottled up attraction that I have for every straight passerby and focusing it on someone more meaningful...and I think that is something that is two-fold goodness. I don't have to feel lame looking at every guy that passes with longing and lust...and instead I can say I have someone gorgeous to be with instead. It makes me so profoundly happy. He has definitely been a welcome and wonderful distraction from schoolwork. This weekend compared to last is just such an amazing turn for the better. I had so much fun this weekend, saw a great and powerful concert, went to the Downtown Art Festival, went to Swamp, saw some new Six Feet Under, took a nice drive to Orlando, relaxed, met some new people, saw an old friend, and hung out with a good number of people (not necessarily in that order). I also spent some time with....I am still coming to terms with the newness of this...oh the excitement..so happy.....him. Every day that passes I feel so much more comfortable with myself, so much happier than I was. It isnt something I can quantify but in the smallest moments I am happier, everything feels more real, more legitamate. Like I am finally living. I am no longer upset that I am gay, how could I be? I am finally happy.