Crazed and Content on Christmas

Check the time...this is me staying up SO LATE that its incredible. And I dont care. I am so frickin happy...and I don't even have a real reason. Yes I do. It isn't cause of Christmas (Merry Christmas by the way) ..... ::smiles:: ..... screw being coherent. That is just not...for...right..now. Six am! HAH! ::SMILES:: ....omgosh I need to go, do what?! I don't even know! This post is wowowow soooo wrong. What am I doing posting this? Who cares! I am freaking HAPPY. Goodnight...or morning, or..oh well- MERRY CHRISTMAS!

Turnpike Thoughts

I am currently riding home from Epcot on the bus with OPUS. I obviously am not posting what I am writing immediately as I have no internet in transit, but I decided to take the time and write what I was thinking about anyway. It seemed a quick cure to both the boredom and the fact that I am totally lost within my own mind at the moment. Something about being back with high school kids messed up my mind; inside I was just screaming “I want to back in Gainesville (not home, mind you) right now!” I don’t know if it was the gossip, or the childishness, or the fact that kids in high school totally think they are the shit when in actuality, they are far from being anything worthwhile. Not everyone; I do have my friends that I enjoyed seeing, and true, college people aren’t necessarily the paradigm of maturity, but still. I didn’t think I would want to go back to college immediately, but as far as I am witnessing I want out of Stuart ASAP. There is nothing going on here, the company is dry, and now with Mike in my mind a good portion of the time I just can’t help being dissatisfied with the state of things at home. The house is a mess, my mom doesn’t know about me (which strains nearly all of our conversations, it seems), and yeah, I just want to go home…back to Beaty, ugh. Aside from having to live there my experience in Gainesville is so profoundly more enjoyable than being stuck at home, and frankly, that fact scares me. I didn’t think I’d feel that this quickly but I definitely do.

Anyway, I just had second thoughts about whether or not I want to post what I just typed or not. I guess I’ll have to think some more about it- it still feels good to put thoughts into words, even if in the end the only person that sees it is Jenni reading over my shoulder. Haha. Well, I decided to post it…so, talk to you later- it’s Christmas Eve now….amazing. Goodnight.

::happy sigh::

Good Morning (I feel as if I never get to say this since the number of times I wake up before noon is so few; please forgive the excitement)!! I can't believe its only been 4 days since I last posted- I almost feel like it's been a few weeks or so since so much has happened. That fact is amazing considering I have been sitting on my butt at home doing basically nothing, but I'm glad life has had some intrigue lately. Basically that intrigue has come in the form of a guy, a seemingly great one at that. Never before have I met someone that maintains the exact same outlook on gayness as me while retaining so many other desirable traits. We only met three days ago and yet I feel so connected with him; repetitively we are on the exact same page about so many things, but yet there are enough differences between us so that it isn't too weird. The two to three hour-long conversations we have had online are characterized by a continual smile on my part, because the little things that he says are just so endearing and the larger things are so profoundly compatible with my feelings and thoughts. I truly don't want to get ahead of myself, but alas, we discussed this as well and once again we are in agreement about the state of things.

It is so amazingly ironic to me that he returned my message only a few short hours after Kristin dragged me out of a day spent in the pits of depression regarding guys. That night she made me realize that I have plenty to offer and she assured me that someone great will come along eventually, and I finally believed her. So I came home with the intention of just relaxing until spring semester- to clear my head about the ever-present attempt to find someone and to just chill. But, coincidentally, that was the same night that Mike and I 'met' in the virtual sense of the word. It is also somewhat ironic to note that he experienced the same depression-realization-surprise as I did: a definite testament to the fact that life works in mysterious ways.

So yeah, although it is frustrating that we are both at home, I think it gives us just the time we need to roll with it rather than let things get out of control. Never before have I felt such a level of compatibility in such a short duration, and as far as dating goes…who knows right now. Sometimes over-analyzation isn’t necessary.

So that's my update...sans mentioning the fact that I lost a friend in the whole 'meeting a new guy' process. It is a disappointing development, but hardly worth mulling over here. Some things are really just not worth the time and effort it takes to discuss them. So yeah, I am presently a happy guy, and I really hope and think that he feels the same.

Kenny G. still sucks.

Ah. It is late again and I have a dentist appointment in the morning... but since my sleep cycle is still completely whacked out because of college, I am up, awake, and so I decided to blog. I really dont remember what I was going to blog about last night so I might as well apologize for the post that only functioned to wet your appetite for more Mark-drama. I guess I might have wanted to say something about attending the OPUS concert last night- what a weird experience! At least I know a little more about who in OPUS actually knows about me now; Corbin knows, and for some reason I am entirely relieved. He didn't bring it up, and now I feel somewhat obliged to discuss it, but I simply don't want to right now. I think my voice teacher knows, which is good and bad, I am just unsure where his status as a Baptist Minister of Music might come into play. He is such an understanding and wonderful person that I don't think it will matter...but those religious types always love to throw curveballs. Anyway, aside from that bit of worry, I am doing good. Being home is blah, the cats have commited me to endless fits of sneezing and the parents have caused me to want to lock myself in my room with my laptop all day. Mom is quicker than ever to go off on me for being "selfish," "rude," and "oblivious to what she has to say," which makes me want to come out to her oh-so-much more! But eh, I am accepting of it. I kinda feel bad that she is so miserable about things (supposedly because of the hurricanes)...and I just hope she gets happier somehow. Oh well.

I guess that is my update, it isnt as juicy as last night's would have been, but whatever it was that was on my mind then has since passed. It's too bad I was entirely too tired last night to even think about typing shit out let alone actually doing so, becuase it probably would have been good. OH! There is a Bonefish Grill in Stuart now! How cool is that? And a Starbucks is opening too! My excitement about development is probably a bad thing but it helps make me feel that I don't live in such a bad place after all. I like coming home to new stuff rather than the same old shit.

I guess that's all I have for tonight....but before I go...the title of this post? Well...since I spent a good majority of my day downloading corny Chirstmas arangements for soprano saxophone for my wonderful mother, I felt as if we all needed to be reminded that the great Kenny G. still sucks. So there. Goodnight.

Updated Needed..Not Tonight

I feel like I have a TON to blog about...but I am so tired and so out of it that I can't function...so I am going to crash. Just wanted to put this little 'teaser' up and let everyone know to check back soon for a much needed update here. Goodnight.

Many Happy Realizations

It is so incredibly late (when you have two exams in the morning) but I couldn't resist posting right now. It seemed a fitting end to a very interesting day; one of the best I've had in a while and (this is the amazing part) I never stepped foot outside my dorm. I chilled here all day in my pajamas, just took a shower about a half an hour ago, studied some, baked (and burnt) some brownies, wrote some music, talked to people online, grew closer to some people, settled a large tiff with EricaRose, laughed with my suitemates, heard from a new friend. It was a good day. As I said it ended with someone sending me a message on facebook, someone who read my blog and who is actually dealing with what I am dealing with right now. He mentioned that my blog put him at ease; it was so flattering to hear that it helped him out like that. It really makes me smile to think that what I write here might affect someone positively later.

With that in mind, I realized SO much today. In a nutshell I know now that I basically have nothing to complain about.

I realized that, although currently in a slump with meeting guys, I will find someone sooner or later, because the reality is I have so much to offer.

I realized that, although the music I write isnt going to be the best, it is a step in the direction I want to go with my life (and, in listening to it more and more, it isnt so bad after all).

I realized that my dorm isnt such a bad place, and that I could be living in a lot worse situations (I wish the oven didnt burn my brownies, though) with a lot shadier people.

I realized that I dont have to worry about not studying for tests if I don't need to- I've never been one to have to study for 8 hours...why start now because everyone else has to? If I feel confident in my abilities...why study endlessly?

And Finally, I realized that although perfect guys live in California and New York City, there is sure to be one here eventually. And through the wonders of instant messaging, I can still talk to, learn from, grow with, admire, and enjoy those who live elsewhere; and that makes me happy.

So there. I am happy. Two exams in the morning, and I am happy. Burned brownies, and I am happy. No guy in bed with me, and I am happy. Yep. For once, I am actually genuinely happy.

Relucant Rambling

I just want to say thank you to you guys who commented on my last post. It was totally unexpected and I really appreciate your kind words. Even though that post is relatively old, the feelings haven't subsided- last night I went to bed more 'alone' than I have felt in a while. Someone told me last night that in order for me to not be so lonely I have to first learn to love myself. At first I scoffed at this; after all it wasnt something I hadn't heard in the past, and it surely wasnt something I wanted to hear, especially last night. I lay there in bed thinking that if I have never unconditionally loved myself before, how could I magically start doing so now? I realized then just how long I might actually find myself in this position.

I thought that coming out of the closet was going to be the answer, that magic cure, the unbelievable end to my everpresent sadness. It had me fooled for a while, it really did. I smile to think of how happy I've been for the past few months; it was something I had never experienced that greatly before in my life. Now however, I am on the downswing- definitely not at the low I was before (and I don't think i'll be seeing that for quite a long time, I hope) but not at that state of euphoric happiness either. Perhaps I am learning to find that balancing point, the neither happy nor sad, extactic nor depressed, emotional nor apathetic stais of my life. Perhaps I need to not think about loneliness in the long run but rather, to accept the fact that for the here-and-now, loneliness is somewhat necessary.

I love when blogging makes you realize things. Becuase sometimes, especially when random strangers find out things about me that are often emotionally ugly before they get to know the real me better, I feel like giving the entire thing up. The fact is that I didn't want to blog today. I felt as if I didnt have anything to say; but now that I've said it, I feel that much better.

Alone and Back in the Dark

What is going on with me?? I wish I knew! I am definitely at the lowest point I've been at in a while- at least since before I came out of the closet. I feel as if all the people I was meeting left and right for the past two months have faded away-I have fallen out of touch with most, some don't even care to meet me, and others have started to dislike me. And my old friends all have sudden problems with me, or more accurately, my obsession over guys. I have nowhere to turn, my close friends don't want to hear my problems, guys I meet don't want to hear my problems, I dont want to hear my problems, you all don't want to read about my problems on here. It is almost like I have regressed back into the darkness and that I can't even talk about anything with anyone anymore without feeling like an absolute fool.

The number one thing I hate about life in college is that my friends are so categorized. In high school it was simple: I had my close friends and some kids from my classes, and that was it. Now, I have my high school friends, my gay friends, music friends, and other friends that I've met through facebook and stuff. It is a bunch of fragments, and I can't join any of them together. I absolutely hate it. A piece of me wants to ditch everyone and start over- it would be so much easier to start over than piece this mess together. But at the same time I don't want to give up on what I've created thus far. But it seems like its slipping away more and more each day. If people aren't willing to meet eachother, how am I ever supposed to be happy, and make my friends happy? Whatever.

I had a long day, it wasn't bad per se, but I am still mentally exhausted. I want to just relax with someone, that special someone, but right now, and at least until next semester, that isnt a possibility. And I'll just have to get over it. I thought this coming out of the closet shindig would make things better, and...they did. But noone told me they were going to get shitty again so fast.