Not depressing; still shitty.

Well poetry is overrated, and I probably won't be dabbling in that anymore...for a little while, anyway. Right now I feel basically worthless, not mentally, but physically. I aquired a random fever last night, and congestion, and nausea....and it hasnt gone away. I am currently wearing a sweatshirt, long pajama pants, and im wrapped up in my comforter...news flash: I am still FREEZING. Ugh. And my friends are either in Orlando or Jax for the game, and it's Halloween weekend, and I am here, feeling like crap. Not a fair world, im telling you. I don't have anything profound to mention except that Satchel's Pizzeria is THE BEST. There. Take that, poetry. I havent been in the mood to post anything moving or deeply emotional since last time, for various reasons. Right now in my life I don't need to bother, so I haven't been. Check back for more of that later, I'm sure it will resurface at some point....the Holiday season is in fact upon us (damn Eastern Standard Time)...so yes. On that note, have a good night... and enjoy losing an hour of sunlight and gaining an hour of sleep on Sunday. Bah.

Poetry? Funny.

I knew when I first discovered you online
That a laptop screen wouldn't ever be enough
To fulfill a "relationship"...at whatever level.
Our commonalities seemed too profound
Our personalities too aligned
For friendship to halt at a computer keyboard.

I put the idea of meeting you out of my head
You who are too busy and lost in your own world
To invite another variable into the equation.
But there you were,
You who I would have stared at even if I hadn't recognized you,
You who have a deep and mysterious aura, attractiveness
Captured in a picture but magnified in real life.

Somehow my desire didn't wane or flourish
Simply because my mind was consumed...
A rush of thoughts: questions and confusion
Replaced 'normal' attraction and desire.

With my eyes I followed yours,
As you checked out another your gaze hit mine.
Did you recognize? Did you see? How could you,
Me, just another face in a nameless crowd,
You who asserted that "you wont find anything more than friends in me."

Oh, the profundity of small moments in time.
I learned in that second why we would probably never connect,
Two people so alike that our same yet separate worlds
would never collide...
Two parallel universes that, according to the definition of //,
would never cross.

The Movie in my Mind

I love waiting for URP3001 to start. I always have this hour or two to sit, ponder, reflect, relax, and enjoy my afternoon. My posts always sound the same though because I am always in nearly the same introspective mood. Today I'm listening to Rufus Wainwright and I feel like I am living inside of a movie; where the people who walk by are just extras on some oversized movie set, that the biker that just rode was past was paid to do so, and that the girl on the bench over there wouldn't be sitting there if some greater person wasn't forcing her to. Don't ask me.I think good ol' Rufus has that "Soundtrack of Life" quality, I absolutely love his music...and he is cute, and gay. So that is cool...I just wish I had found out about him sooner. About the gay thing...sorry to freak anyone out by my last post. I was just kinda tired of not being able to blog what I was actually feeling...and always having to work around the fact that the majority of my thoughts and moods revolve around my pseudo-in-the-closet status. If any of you discovers that I am gay via the blog...don't take offense that I didn't tell you in person, or that you found out somewhat "indirectly." Telling people is awkward, uncomfortable, and redundant...and really I am just somewhat tired of it. I'll be happy to talk to you personally about it at some point later, but for the time being I just want to try and enjoy life without having to cover it up anymore. I have certian people in mind that I haven't told...who may or may not read my blog...I guess I am sorry you found out this way, but it was just easier. Well, I am going to just relax and look around at the actors that meander past....I wonder what kind of movie I am living in right now. It's so....perfect. Talk to you later.

More stuff

I am in my familiar blogging location (refer to last post) once again. I don't know what it is about this spot, really...it always evokes the same feelings regardless of the mood im in. I mean I wish I could feel and understand what it would be like to be totally disengaged from the people that walk by and to be aptathetic towards my surroundings...even if only for one day. I can't help it though, I'm so....who knows. People watching should be a fun thing to do when youre bored, not something that completely rules a persons life. Unfortunately I find myself in that second category. And when I avoid it and sit in my dorm, I only get more depressed. So basically I am doomed if I do and doomed if I don't. Wonderful. I am definitely ready for a change, if not in the people around me, at least something to eleviate my fixation on people. I am starting to hate it passionately. I want to notice cuties when they walk by, but I don't want to lust over every guy that passes. I mean to think that is foolish (Oh, and if this statement comes as news to you....I happen to be gay. And there you have it.) because really, there can't possibly be that many hot guys here. I can't relate to Erica when she says that she has yet to really see any attractive guys....when for me, I see one every second. Take right now for example. There are at least 2 around here, and more at any given moment. It is absolutely pathetic. Why do I feel so overrun with this? I am I just not discerning enough? Or are my tastes just far to varried? Or am I just sexually frustrated? Who knows, I am tired of it though that is for damn sure. (Ah, it is starting to rain. I must conclude this post for now).

Monday Musings

I feel like I owe my blog a post. I have nothing new to report though, nothing that I want to mention online, anyway. I feel happy today; although It isn't really a new happiness, whenever happiness overpowers negativity it is always for the same reason. Unfortunately I am currently unable to write, or put my feelings into words that make sense and that say what I want them to say. I think I am somewhat distracted...people seem to hold that power over me for some reason. I am waiting by Century Tower for Erica...it is another gorgeous day here. I could sit outside for hours on days like this. And there is always a steady stream of interesting, attractive, eclectic people ...even between classes. Something to occupy my time anyway. I often wonder what people think of me as they walk by, not out of concern but curiosity. That kid, with his little Apple laptop...typing, looking up, typing, looking up....listening to his iPod. I know what I would think of me..but I wonder if whatever I appear to be makes me less attractive to the people that I am attracted to. I guess I shouldn’t think of such things, it only leads to over thinking which leads to mental masochism. On another random note..in case you were wondering why my blogs have taken a turn towards the positive...it is because I recently realized how unattractive self loathing can be. People, including myself (almost hypocritically), don't find it attractive, cool, or anything. Confidence is hot...as much as you hate the vain people, the conceited ones, the assholes...you ultimately masturbate to them later. Why? It is a question deeply rooted in confusion. I don't want to be a son of a bitch, but I don't want people to read my blog and think, oh wow...this kid has issues. It is about as quick a turn off as anything. So that is why. Given, I should have realized sooner....but better late than never. I think that about sums up this post. And Erica still isn’t here....surprised? not really. Have a good day.

I have finally experienced something...

I am rather contemplative at the moment. I am on the third floor of the music building...where the normally cacophonous mélange (I am laughing at the SAT vocabulary choice here) of trumpet, soprano, marimba, piano, and clarinet has eased itself into a tranquil and soothing pacifier for the mind. "Sure on this Shining Night" weaves itself in and out of a trumpet solo...as buses whiz by (the music building is indoor/outdoor) and birds chirp. The breeze is wonderful; the sun is bright. Maybe fall has finally made its way here...the perfection of this day's weather is not to be questioned. I am so grateful that I was able to find this calming spot, this hour of peace on this my most stressful day of the semester. Ah, the ten warming tolls of the carillon. This moment is so profoundly soothing...I want to question why, why I am not thinking about something else, why am I not practicing, why am I not horny....but I am so happy that all I can do is close my eyes. I do this even as I type...thankfully my fingers are nimble enough so that I don't have to look at the keys. I had a moment like this last week...perhaps ten o'clock is my time, an hour which was once spent listening to endless calculus dribble from the evil Haubert...a time that on most days I am sound asleep. My heart pains for my roommates, they who sleep each day away and never leave the dorm, except to eat or go to class. How can they survive there...a place so devoid of happiness, light, air? Maybe I am just caught up in the moment. I am going to post this before I let myself think it is too cliché sounding, too cheerful to be mine, too strange to be a post...I just can't remember my mind ever having been this clear before. Truly a wonderful moment.

[untitled]

I suppose I have neglected the blog for a little while; i give my appologies to all of you avid readers out there (haha). This week has been...dynamic. A lot has changed in my life, a lot hasn't changed. I've seen people that I used to hang out with all the time and I've met some new people too. My feelings towards UF remain ambivalent: I like the campus, the classes, the diversity....I hate living at Beaty, I hate the amount of people, and overall I feel like I am missing some aspect of the college experience. Call me a dreamer but I always envisioned myself at a Northern school with prestige, beauty, and intelligence...maybe not Ivy League (no, definitely not Ivy League) but something more than....this. I really cant qualify any further what I am trying to say...UF is just an interesting yet bland kind of place.

On a happier note, I have been so much happier since this weekend, for reasons some of you may know about and that others of you are completely unaware of. I can't really say I've ever been able to walk around with a smile on my face and have so few emotionally detrimental thoughts as I have had this week. Such a relief. I think my life is starting to take an upswing, finally. Or at least I hope it is (or will soon). But I am going to try and remain optimistic about it, I am finished with always being miserable with myself. And yes, you can quote me on that.

Well, I have successfuly fulfilled my blogging requirement for the day. Leave a comment or something; give me something to read in exchange for this post. Thanks and so long....