A ::yawn:: and a ::scratch of the head::

I got 10 hours of sleep and I have done nothing today. I am yawning. Is there a problem with this picture? I feel just like the weather says I should feel. I woke up this afternoon knowing I had nothing to really do today. Jackie (our R.A.) knocked on the door needing to talk to me about check out..I was lying in bed, with half a boner and not wanting to get out from under the covers. But I reluctantly got up at 1:05, put my jeans on, and found out I have to be out of the dorm by 6pm on Friday, April 29, 2005 (Now deemed "Beaty Liberation Day" from this point on). So, I sat for a while. Then I dug around in my piles of shit that needs to be packed. Then I sat some more. I have yet to shower, I haven't done anything really worthwhile, and nothing has really been cleaned or packed. I am sitting in a pile of shit listening to Zero 7. It is really fitting my mood...so very chill. Sean (my roomate) is napping and it is kinda making me tired, sitting here in the somewhat-dark and letting this music wash over me. The rain outside is nice too, I wish I had a closer vantage point cause I love to listen to that pitter-patter, but I can pretty much imagine what it sounds like. I am glad it chose today to rain, cause usually I stay inside and bum around on gorgeous days and end up complaining about it later. This time tho, I am satisfied with my current disheveled appearance and the slovenly state of my living quarters. Well, I guess this concludes the post. Will I get up and take a shower? Will I find something to do? Will I clean any more of my mess? Ah, I love lacking initative: "probably not." is the answer to all. Well so-long loyal blog readers. More later.

A Mini Thoughtless Ramble.

Howdy. I think I'm gonna aim for something less introspective this time around. Although I am listening to some pretty mellow Rachael Yamagata right now and I am just chilling in my bed, my brain feels kinda disengaged. I am finally done with vocal stuff for the year, and I'm glad about it. My jury was today; I missed some words but I felt like I sounded pretty decent...I hope I get the P isntead of the F (pass rather than fail) ...cause I've never really failed anything in my life, and that would kinda suck. I still feel a bit nauseous from lunch (Jimmy Johns) and from being nervous before the jury, but overall i am good. Glad I have some time off before my last final on Friday. I am wondeing when the hell I am gonna study for that (or correction, how the hell I'm gonna get myself to study for that)...hmmm. Oh well. I am tired. I should be outside, it's nice out. But again, I almost don't feel like it. I don't know. Meh. That is all for now.

Lessons Learned.

The following is a list of twenty random realizations I've made over the course of this crazy year. They are listed in no particular order of importance.

1. Relationships come and go. When they go, let them go.


2. The best finds in Gainesville are not right across the street from campus.


3. Relationships that start with a mouse click usually end....almost as quickly.


4. Ideals are just that: Ideal. If something less than ideal comes along, don't close your mind.


5. Kissing a friend almost always changes something, even if both parties convince themselves otherwise.


6. Talkng with someone half a country away may not always end in romance, but it almost always ends in sheer respect, appreciation, and admiration of that person...all things which aren't so bad indeed.


7. When you're gay, your friends will hook up, sometimes leaving you in the middle. When this happens, let them have their space, it will almost always work itself out. There is no need to get caught up in the drama.


8. Don't sit alone just because the people you want to hang out with aren't available. Call someone that you know a little bit less: it will be uncomfortable at first but maybe something long term may come of it. (I know I didn't do this enough this year at all..definite missed opportunites)


9. Cherish every experience you share with a new group of friends. It might be the last time that particular conglomeration of people has the chance to form.


10. When you're gay, age means nothing; rather, experience and openness means it all.


11. Even your best, closest, "I know everything about you" friends can surprise you. Don't let that upset you.


12. Even though I openly hate Gainesville, i admit that it really has a lot to offer. Beneath this ubiquitous college environment are a lot of interesting experiences and scenes...most of which I have yet to explore.


13. When you're in the closet, you feel completely and utterly alone. When you come out, it is so incredibly overwhelming how many gay men there are in the world. If you're like me (don't ask how, I don't get it either), you get discouraged. Don't be.


14. Just because other people can skip every class, buy the Einstein Notes, and get 95's on the test doesn't mean that you can, even if the other people look like they have soup for brains.


15. Looking at and lusting over guys, although obsessive and unhealthy, is about 500% better than giving in and hooking up with random people.


16. The dorm experience is not what it's cracked up to be. All future college atendees: weigh your options, and don't be blindsided by the school. Dorming is not the only option.


17. Crushing on someone over the internet (without ever having talked to them) is very dangerous. All you are working with is a few pictures and some non-descript "about me" text. Don't let yourself imagine a person that probably doesn't exist.


18. In college, everyone is at least somewhat cute. Perhaps it is the beauty of youth, or maybe the fact that since everyone is in the same age bracket there is a more apparent cute/not-so-cute ratio. Don't think that their attractiveness renders you unattractive.


19. Cleaning out your buddy list / Facebook friend list can be a very VERY therapeutic process.


20. At some level, every college student is confused...even the most seemingly comfortable ones are just as unsure of what the future has in store for them as you are.

Freshman Year: A Reflection

Well freshman year is finally coming to a close. The roomates are packing up, people are leaving town, classes are ending and exams are being taken. I realized while watching the concert band perform tonight what a fucked up year it has been for me. If you were to ask me to sum it up in one word I would say "hellish" without hesitation; in reality, though, it was so dynamic. I look back and am just astounded at the people I have met, the realizations i have made, how my outlook on life and my happiness with myself have so greatly improved. I mean, I really had absolutely no idea that telling Erica my painful secret on that fateful day in September would change things so much. I mean, it had been my reason for staying in the closet so long: I was simply petrified of everything being different.

In retrospect, I was right on the money about the change. I was also completely back asswards about being afraid. I really wonder now where I would be today had I not made that now seemingly simple step. I could be leading a life that, in essence, isn't my own: Kristin might be packing her bags for Gainesville rather than Miami; I would be rooming with her rather than three girls next year; I wouldn't know 90% of the friends I've made here in Gainesville; I'd have spent every day in a miserable depression; and I know for a fact I wouldn't have given up the happy pills that kept my sorrow at bay for so long.

I also wonder if this whole college thing might not have been so bad considering the fact that, had I not come out, I wouldn't have been forced to learn how to be gay while trying to get used to everything else being different in college as well. But then I subsequently realize just how much worse it would have been. Cause most of the stuff that has changed has so vastly changed for the better.

Well, Erica is here and we are going to go eat. I will finish pondering on this later, because I definitely have more to say. Till then...ttfn. <--Erica's suggestion.

This post isnt worthy of a real title.

I always chose to post at the wrong times. I only have like, 30 minutes to get to class, but I am so apathetic about life lately. I just slept for 10 hours and I woke up feeling rather...shitty and unrested. I don't remember the last time I woke up feeling prepared for the day, on time for class, and rested. It's been a while. I don't know what's going on that is making me feel so "blah" all around; I think it's some combination of suddenly being way behind in school, not having seen any of my friends in like...weeks, having to pick classes next year for a major that is undecided and at a school I am unhappy with, having the end of the year looming so close and realizing that my summer plans are in peril (New York trip? no. Money? no. Working? unfortunately.). Oh, and I have to stay an extra day to sing for Commencement on the 30th. Too bad I am being kicked out of the dorm on the 29th. Thank you UF for fucking with me. Now where am I supposed to live, in a box at the Downtown Bus Station like all the other homeless ACR's? (Well, I guess they are non-residents since they are homeless, but you get what I am saying.) I am thinking: perhaps I should skip my class and get ready at leisure. And do some research for my diction presentation tomorrow (since I haven't started). Ugh. Skipping to get caught up...this is not the correct turn of events...but what can you do. I am basically screwed at this point in regards to school. I don't even know what's going on anymore. I came home from New Orleans feeling great and got met with a pile of shit looming over my head. Ugh. I hope it doesnt fall on me... skipping Physical Geography probably isnt gonna help..but it's what I've decided to do. I am gonna have a nice breakfast (at nearly one pm) and take a shower. Talk to you people later.

Oh, and one little word: comment.

New Orleans: Part Three

Third in a three part post; times and dates of posts approximated

So the concert is over. The trip is over. It was a great one, considering I came into it only knowing one or two people not very well. I made some new friends (one of which I will explain shortly) and experienced some crazy things down in the French Quarter. Even tho I was sober the entire time, it was easy to enjoy the carelessness of the environment. Overall it was a great great great experience.

I am currently on the bus back. I should be sleeping considering I got zero hours of sleep last night (again, I will explain shortly). I slept from when we left to when we were forced to eat grease-monkey fast food…so that’s about 3 hours…but er, I am exhausted to say the least. I don’t know how I am supposed to get up tomorrow at 8:30 am to go to theory, homework in hand. Ugh. School needs to be over..NOW. But yeah, I should explain what I was gonna explain. It really ended the trip on a great note.

There was this boy on the first day of rehearsal whom I noticed. He was cute. He had a great smile and a really cute haircut. The thing was, however, that I knew he was gay from the second I saw him. This should, in theory, make the guy more attractive, knowing that he is attainable and all. But for some reason, it makes me a bit standoffish. I tried not to flirt with him, to make him wonder whether I was gay or not, I didn’t want to make him think that I thought he was cute..I mean, geesh: he was too gay for me, right?

Well, I guess I was wrong. At dress rehearsal (and after continuing to notice each other during other rehearsals and things) he introduced himself to Philip and I (Philip being one of the guys I got to know better on this trip- he rocks). He seemed nice enough, still had those tendencies that I normally wouldn’t have liked all that much, but I was glad I had a name to match a face with. I always feel bad when I meet gay boys and I initially don’t want to have anything to do with them: Why do I constantly ostracize myself from gayness..and then whine in unhappiness? It’s great to be straight acting and all (and I am still not going to change how I act; I act like the person I feel that I am, I’m not putting any fronts or facades on) but sometimes I feel like if I just accepted the more gay guys rather than initially shying away…well, whatever.

Later, after the concert, and after I realizing I would probably never see this kid again (I found myself wanting to give him my myspace.com profile and stuff..some urge to get to be his friend was really on my mind) he runs into all of us in the hotel. We were all about to go out to eat/drink (It was like 11) and we talked some more. He blew me away when he had the courage to ask if I was gay. I told him the truth, of course. I realized I would never have the balls to go up to a potential gay boy and ask him that. There are plenty of times I’ve wanted to, but something in me has said...he wont be, even if he’s questioning he wont admit it to you: he will be a homophobic asshole instead. But yeah. I was really floored that he asked me straight out. I told him that we had to go eat (poor high schoolers had to stay at the hotel all night..gotta love curfews) but that I would find him later.

When I got back, we talked. I was reluctant at first: I felt kinda bad (for him) about meeting someone new knowing full well it couldn’t go anywhere (he is from California, after all). And then my guy in Gainesville, which is going really well...and I had no reason whatsoever to undermine that. So yeah, I went in with the intentions of meeting a friend..and I hoped that would be ok with him (since my friends said he prolly just wanted to kiss a college boy and that was it, I was worried).

I guess you could say he ended up blowing me away. Here I was thinking very stereotypically, with the help of my friends: a femme guy, young, “there’s gonna be nothing in common and he is gonna make me so uncomfortable” right? Well, I guess that wasn’t the case since we talked for 8 hours. The time just passed; we were both admittedly zonked but when the sun rose and we still were sitting in the lobby talking and it didn’t seem so strange. I didn’t sleep for more than 5 minutes all night (I think at around 7:45am I nodded off on him..lol). But yeah, I never thought I could connect with a guy that was that..gay. I’ve never had problems with feminine guys, but never have I had so much in common or have I been able to talk about so much. He is a great guy and it is really depressing that we had to go our separate ways. But the fact that I met such a cool person on this random New Orleans trip is really rewarding to me. I am so happy he seeked me out and made an effort to talk to me.

The coolest thing though is that he really proved that stereotypes are shit. Here I was making these predispositions about this guy, this stranger, that were obviously closeminded. Sure, I have feminine friends, but it was more of a reluctant thing. I learn through situations like this that I really am not as open as I would like to be. He just made me realize so much, and I am so so happy we met, because not only was he nice and understanding and cute, but he made me realize that just cause I act differently than most gay guys doesn’t mean I can't relate to them and get along with them really well. I am really glad I got a new and meaningful friendship, albeit across the country.I realize now that I am like the only person that went and made a new friend. I mean, everyone else was close-minded to the “stupid high schoolers” but since I was just one of them last year I guess I could relate. Definitely not a bad ending to the trip.

But yeah, I should end this post..its definitely a long one….gotta do something on the bus I guess. So thus ends the trilogy of New Orleans posts; back to normalcy on the next one.

New Orleans: Part Two

Second in a three part post; times and dates approximated

Well, the last I left you I was wondering around the city, absorbing as much as possibly could in the time frame that I had. I am thankful I did because I have yet to go back down there; some kids got totally crunked up last night and missed today’s rehearsal. We were subsequently requested not to go out before the concert, which is fine because my feet are still in a bit of pain from yesterday’s endless walking. So I am sitting by the pool instead. I reluctantly purchased the ten-dollar wireless internet connection…thank god I am connected again. It is funny how dependent we become on the internet…but it’s also quite pathetic too. I am sure these people probably think I am a freak, which is ok. It isn’t entirely a lie..hehe. But yeah, a couple of my cute high school boys are out here (ut oh, I should explain: The reason we are here in New Orleans was to sing with a fstival choir composed of high schools from all over the country…California, Georgia, Minnesota, Texas..etc. It was quite the diverse group of schools; none all that good. But yeah, a few of the high school cuties are in the pool…anyway). I am enjoying the view; call me pathetic and/or horny but I am really attracted to this one…mmm. He is like, 6’1”, dark hair, a really cute boyish face, buff but not too buff (I was watching him work out just a minute ago), really really nice arms and hands…and he just came out of the gym and ripped his shirt off, straddled the chaise lounger, and is now tanning. This is like, wowza. Maybe I should take a break from blogging….heh, no, it’s alright. But I guess I did lose my train of thought…oops. Perhaps I should call it a day with this one…more later. ☺

New Orleans: Part One

First in a three part post; times and dates of posts approximated

I don’t even know where to begin this post. I am currently in my hotel room in New Orleans…current time 3:30 am, give or take. I obviously can’t post this live because the internet in the hotel costs a whopping 10 dollars per day, but alas, since I am incredibly sober and wide awake I figured I would write a little something before bed. My colleagues are either still out on Bourbon Street getting trashed or in their rooms getting trashed, which is just fine. I have had a great time this weekend; I mean, this is the most insane, crazy, unbelievable town I have ever seen in my life. The endless opulence (that’s the buzz word of the day) is incredible. Like I said, I don’t even know where to begin describing this place.

I thought of Kristin a lot today. Not only because I missed her company a whole lot (I’ll discuss this later) but because I know if she were here her head would be spinning (in a good way, of course). But yeah, I ended up breaking off from the group today…to make a long story short they went to the Aquarium, which is fine and dandy, but there was just so much more to absorb down there in the French Quarter that I decided to keep wandering on my own. I am glad I did; we had gone last night to Bourbon Street and I was totally taken by surprise at the craziness of the scene, the numbers of people, the overwhelming drunkenness…but I was even more floored to witness the scene today. It was a writer’s smorgasbord, which is why Kristin continued coming to mind. She just has this insane ability to describe anything and everything in the most vivid detail I’ve ever heard. And so as I was traversing the French Quarter by my lonesome, mumbling to myself in amazement and awe (I find I talk when I’m by myself than with a large group…proof of my personality, maybe?) I just tried to put myself in her shoes. I could see her mind buzzing: qualifying the overwhelming smell of stale alcohol; describing the juxtaposition of elderly couples swing dancing in the streets while teenage girls were ripping their tops off in various clubs at three in the afternoon; expressively reenacting that crazy cacophony of jazz music, techno beats, car horns, and pedestrian noise; attempting to explain how one block is simply one raunchy club after another and how the next block is entirely upscale and ritzy boutiques and lavish antique shops. It was definitely a sensory overload to say the least.

Even if getting drunk and being reckless and carefree isn’t your style, I would still highly recommend (and even consider forcing) you to visit here at some point in your life. Even if you aren’t college age you can still have fun, and I saw that today. Never in my life have I witnessed such a scene. It is funny because frankly, the place isn’t very pretty, the Mississippi River is completely over-exaggerated, and the smell down there in the French Quarter is atrocious. But that somehow doesn’t detract from the fact that it was one of the most off-beat places I’ve ever visited. But I am getting tired, so I am going to pass out now. I will post more later.

Here is that long introspective post I promised...

I realize more and more how many people I know here at UF. Then I subsequently realize how many people I don't know. The funny and ironic part is that these people are usually one in the same. I can recognize a face, have a friendly "oh good seeing you!" conversation, and smile at the fact that I have met and interacted with a cool individual. Directly afterwards I realize how few people I know well enough to unconditionally pause my life for. You know, those close friends you hang out with all the time, the friends that cause you to laugh and laugh and make other people wonder..."wow, what is wrong with them," the friends that you share 501 inside jokes with, the people who simply mean the world to you. I mean, even after having a really enjoyable evening with a couple of really cool friends, like tonight, that innocent and sincere "we should do this again sometime!" just makes you stop and realize how transient college is, since moments like that never seem to be repeated.

I guess it is the nature of the beast; thousands of people leading their lives, all sharing the common bond of attending classes, going out, eating at the same restaurants, driving on the same streets, working at the places the others patronize...but ultimately each with a different agenda and life. It really is great when it comes to a sour relationship in which you want to distance yourself from the astranged; the impeding schedules and different course loads lend themselves to maintaining a happy distance. However, this benefit is quite the opposite when it comes to seeing those people whom you really want to get to know better. The fact that one never gets that opportunity to allow friendships to bloom into that crazycool state is kinda disappointing. It does happen, but as I look back at this my first here in college, I realize it hasn't happened to me. I wonder if it was something I did or didn't do, or if I just didn't find myself in the situations and classes that lend themselves to something more in regards to friendship. I feel somewhat hipocritical in posting this, because like I said, I have met so many cool, amazing, friendly, and worthwile people here. On the same token, I feel as if my friendships with them are stagnant and underdeveloped.

I guess for now I will let it slide. A lot happened this year; I came out, I kissed boys for the first time, I had my first few heartbreaks and emotional realizations, I lived in an uncomfortable living environment for ten months, I dealt with being a freshman at a huge unaccepting public university. I also realize that there is still time to experience lasting friendships. I was told once by my mother and oldest brother that lifelong friendships are born in your first year of college; Frank does still talk to his first roomate, after all. Yet, like most other things, it didn't happen to me like that, and that is OK.

I dunno where I was leading with this post. It probably isn't what I had in mind yesterday, but it crossed my mind tonight. It isn't meant to depress, it was more of an acceptance type discharge of emotion. Not a bad thing.

I will leave you all with a wonderful reminder though, just in case I depressed some of you with this. Exodus from the Gspot (and Beaty shithole) is in approximately twenty three days. True bliss.

"I Like It," a recap.

I smell something funny. I should also probably be going down to Turlington to rescue my bike (which I forgot on campus earlier today, but I dunno, it would probably be safe down there I am assuming...the thought of leaving it in that big scary place is just a bit scary to me for me at the moment) but I dont necessarily feel like it. I got a haircut today, it isnt necessarily good, but it isn't really bad either. I guess hair is hair. Sorry for my apatheticness today, but it came about naturally, and it seems to fit the day. Class was boring today, choir was acceptable (sang Salvation is Created and Alleulia ...right back to my OPUS days it seems), then I wandered around campus, got that haircut and a smoothie (which was really quite good). It's now eight, but since I am still on last week's time it doesnt feel like it, really. I had a cool introspective deep and thought provoking post planned for yesterday, but it just wouldn't come out...so I closed the window and moved on with life. I have since forgotten what was so enticing and have thus settled for the generic stream of consciousness daily recap post. I am listening to Moby that my friend Brian in California sent me. Like the song says, "I Like It, I Like it a Lot." Ironic timing there. What else? I guess my brain has stopped being in posting mode. Transmission Ending in 3..2..1