A Long, Happy Post
What a gorgeous day! I am currently sitting outside at Sandsprit Park back home. I figured I would write now and just post later when I have internet…no luck finding a random WiFi hotspot here. I guess in sitting here on the water I realized that I do miss Stuart, a little, on days like this. Gainesville is so lacking in the water department, its nice to just watch the boats go by, and the kayakers, and the old people all just lounging in their folding chairs in the sun. It’s so relaxed. I also laugh at the multitude of little dogs on colorful leashes. It seems like every other elderly couple has a little toy dog with them; I counted five just a few minutes ago. And the weather…it finally got to be wonderful, on this the second to last day of spring break. Lucky for all the FSU kids who get to come home today for a week of this great weather, when we got stuck with the rainy muck...but at least its nice today.
I am so happy to be out here; happy that I’m not laying inside doing nothing (I actually got my theory homework done), and even though I am not in the Bahamas like Erica or in New York like Axel, I am actually just happy with where I am for a change. It’s nice, it’s quiet, it’s relaxing.
Kristin and I watched the Notebook last night. Although romantic movies like that make me long to be straight and get me really annoyed with my gayness, I really enjoyed it. The ending was sad, but it was, in a way, happy in its sadness. Really touching. Afterwards I was slightly depressed, but I talked to Kristin and I realized that it isn’t too late to make some changes in my life. She said she was worried about my lack of focus on the things that matter…and it made me think. I really do want to start spending some more time on me- reading, working out (a friend of mine is forcing me to do Stadiums with him starting Monday, I think it will be intense but I am looking forward to it), drawing (gosh its been forever), playing the piano (like, really learning songs rather than just messing around)…stuff like that. I don’t think living in Beaty is a good enough excuse to let my life just go to shit. And right now, that’s what’s happening. I spend all my time chatting online, wondering about relationships, longing for boys, falling into the “I’m gay therefore I am miserable, horny, upset, and lonely” trap...and yeah. I really do feel I am better than that and that I could amount to more than that, regardless of where I live. True, living in a cement box in such close confines to someone else is a pain in the ass, but it isn’t a reason to do nothing with my life.
So yes, like last time I was home, I plan on going back to Gainesville with the intent to change my life around. However, when I went back after Christmas, Mike definitely got in the way, or rather, I let Mike fuck my mind up so badly that I didn’t do anything differently. This time, regardless of how the Josh thing plays out (different story for a different day) I will not let that happen. I am really excited, even though it’s the last half of the last semester of the year. I guess that Vanilla Sky quote really fits... “Every passing minute is another chance to turn it all around.”
And with that, I’m out.
I am so happy to be out here; happy that I’m not laying inside doing nothing (I actually got my theory homework done), and even though I am not in the Bahamas like Erica or in New York like Axel, I am actually just happy with where I am for a change. It’s nice, it’s quiet, it’s relaxing.
Kristin and I watched the Notebook last night. Although romantic movies like that make me long to be straight and get me really annoyed with my gayness, I really enjoyed it. The ending was sad, but it was, in a way, happy in its sadness. Really touching. Afterwards I was slightly depressed, but I talked to Kristin and I realized that it isn’t too late to make some changes in my life. She said she was worried about my lack of focus on the things that matter…and it made me think. I really do want to start spending some more time on me- reading, working out (a friend of mine is forcing me to do Stadiums with him starting Monday, I think it will be intense but I am looking forward to it), drawing (gosh its been forever), playing the piano (like, really learning songs rather than just messing around)…stuff like that. I don’t think living in Beaty is a good enough excuse to let my life just go to shit. And right now, that’s what’s happening. I spend all my time chatting online, wondering about relationships, longing for boys, falling into the “I’m gay therefore I am miserable, horny, upset, and lonely” trap...and yeah. I really do feel I am better than that and that I could amount to more than that, regardless of where I live. True, living in a cement box in such close confines to someone else is a pain in the ass, but it isn’t a reason to do nothing with my life.
So yes, like last time I was home, I plan on going back to Gainesville with the intent to change my life around. However, when I went back after Christmas, Mike definitely got in the way, or rather, I let Mike fuck my mind up so badly that I didn’t do anything differently. This time, regardless of how the Josh thing plays out (different story for a different day) I will not let that happen. I am really excited, even though it’s the last half of the last semester of the year. I guess that Vanilla Sky quote really fits... “Every passing minute is another chance to turn it all around.”
And with that, I’m out.
posted by Mark at 7:06:00 PM
1 Comments:
Great post, Mark!
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