Should I even post this?

Goodmorning. I was just reading one of my bestest friend's blogs (well, actually it isnt a blog but we wont hold that against him...silly livejournals) and I realized something. Well, let me back up. I noticed this morning that over these past few weeks I have come to a lot of subtle realizations about life. I don't really know where these realizations began or where they are going, but I do acknowledge that they have occured. After coming off the Mike thing early in January i suddenly found myself with little to no desire to pursue a relationship. This is what I had always thought I wanted...a boyfriend. That one person, to love unconditionally, to be incredibly cliche. It still sounds lovely, dont get me wrong...but I am coming to realize more and more that this college environment I currently find myself in is not exceedingly condusive to long-term relationships...especially not for homosexuals...espeically not in Gainesville. Some of you may say "psssh" to this, but let me finish. I find myself asking...how can you find a happy, loving relationship when you are so uncomfortable and unhappy with your day-to-day routine, your living environment, the endless string of gay.com hookups all around you, the completely and utter lack of privacy, "independence" in a town so utterly dependent on the actions of everyone else .... sorry, I am getting a bit long-winded. Anyway, as I read Will's LiveJournal, it hit me that the kind of relationship he has- the wine and cheese in the airport, sleeping over without any concern in the world type...is ultimately what I want. However, in the here and now, it is so remotely unfeasible. I am not 25, I am not in an urban location, I am not at all satisfied with my place in life at the moment. Maybe I am blind to it right now and I am using these features of Will's life to cloud my own....but at this point I don't feel like looking for that in a place where none of it is available. If it comes, so be it...but as I look around at the level of maturity here, and the sexual desires of the people I meet, and my sheer uncomfortablity in this virtually unrealistic place ...I cant help but just want to have fun. I am realizing more and more that I have some primal desire to just want to mess around with people, no strings attatched. I guess I am going through the infamous "slut phase" (as gays so lovingly and fondly refer to it) a bit late. I thought I tricked the system and skipped that phase, but the truths made themselves apparent, like it or not. So as Valentines Day approaches in all of it's heart-choked, pink ribbon, rose boquet and mushy greeting card infested glory, I say "fuck it" to relationships. Call it throwing in the towel, call it taking a stand, call it being a horny gay fuck with his morals being sucked into oblivion, call it what you will. I just don't see relationships as something I can find or be a part of at the moment. Eventually, when I am living on my own, and I distance myself from the triviality of Gainesville (I thought Gainesville would distance myself from the triviality of high school, but apparently they are one in the same in different regards)..I will realize that a "slut" is not something I want to sell myself out as. I think deep down, I don't want this, and maybe I will change my mind tomorrow, but as I sit here, I am sincerely tired of being the minority. If a realtionship comes along I will run with it, but until that day comes, I am fair game for anything. See ya.