Out with the old, in with the new.

(Cliche, but true...I'll explain the title later) For some strange reason, ADV3000 is not very appealing at the moment. We are watching some 1980s educational video on Advertisng Research. Am I dozing? Mentally, yes, that is why I am blogging instead. Physically, I am wide awake, even though I didn't go to sleep last night until 3:00, and I had to be up at 7:30. ((damn these people have biggg hair..sorry for the interjection.)) Theory went well this morning, I feel confident about the next test..but I am dreading Voice Studio today because my voice teacher doesn't like me very much lately...long story. I am just gonna hope for the best, but I really do wish the crap in my throat would go away.

We had our big University Choir concert last night; overall, it went very well. Our one rehearsal with orchestra was cut short yesterday, and we didn't even get to rehearse a couple of pieces. The concert was stressful, and much of it was spent on the edge...but the audience seemed to appreciate it. I was afraid the complexity and difficulty of the pieces would put people to sleep, but somehow it was successful. All is well that ends well (Ack! Another cliche!) At least we don't have to sing Psalmconzert anymore. Oy, it has been a long semester in choir, and I am happy it is almost over.

Anyway, on to my title line:

The old: On my way into class I passed Josh. You know, the guy who decided it would be cool to just stop talking to me rather than facing the truth and ending things with me, who left me hanging for two weeks to call without response..yeah. I finally realized in that moment that I was no longer attracted to him, and I lost all feelings for him, good, and bad. He doesn't really exist in my mind anymore as an emotional element. I didn't give him the attention I could have, and I didn't stop to talk to him for more than five seconds, simply because he stopped showing concern for me and I am simply returning the favor. He is out of my mind permanently now, and that is a happpy thought.

The new: The reason it didn't bother me because I spent the majority of last night (after dad went home) with a fantastic guy. We shared an amazing few hours. I don't think I've ever met a guy with such a huge heart as him, and he is hot, too. It feels so dream-like, that post-goodbye lightheaded happy trance-like state that just makes you tingle all over. So yes, I am just really very happy about the situation. I almost feel as if Josh stopped talking to me and that this is a direct outcome of that. Strange how life works out in the end (ooh, optimism, and yet another cliche...an alarming trend).

Well, that is my update. I just wish this class would end sometime in this lifetime. At least the cheesy 80's big-haired women ad-exec videos are over. Now I just get to hear sorority girls ask silly questions that have answers that are far too drawn out for anyone's own good (Come on, I had to end on a characteristic cynical note, I mean, optimism is fun and all...but..hahaha). Alright guys, I'm out.

A Post.

Well, I have written two posts since the last time I officially posted, but I thought for the betterment of society (and more importantly my mental state) I deleted them. A tragic loss? Maybe, but sometimes it helps just to write the things and not have the world see them. I suppose I am doing well, obviously havent been in the bestest of conditions recently (hence the depressing posts) ....but yeah. I think it was a passing thing. Some things are just hard to swallow..but once you do, you eventually feel better for it.

I'm sitting outside on this my only break of the day from 8:30am til 7:30pm. It's a nice day, but overall it has been ho-hum. Nothing overly exciting has happened today, I had breakfast with someone unexpected after my musicianship exam (so I lied, I usually have a 50 minute class but there was a 5 minute one-on-one exam instead...so i had one other "break") which was nice. I just cant tell if the guy is straight or gay or what! He is really cute...but all common sense would point to him being really friendly and yes, straight....but when I think about it, it felt like any other "first date" type thing I've been on with guys. ::shrugs:: Who knows, maybe in time something will happen. For now, I will consider him straight and not dwell. I think he would always make a great friend too...so all is good.

Anyway, I guess my non-post is done. The juicy ones were erased...for the better. I'll go back to my sitting and staring at the passerbys..wondering...watching..wanting...all that good stuff. Nah, maybe I'll read.

Yeah....


..right.

FSU: Florida's Sucky University..or so I thought.

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Eleven days later....

Rejoice, for the time has come for Mark to post again. The eleven day anti-blogging crusade has officially come to a close. I dunno why I just stopped... I think I haven't felt inspired, I have't been in the mood at all...hmm. It's fun, but when it fails to be so, I just stop. But, I am back.

So where am I in life? What a conundrum. I wish I had some idea, but alas, I never seem to. Life consists of monotonous days followed by uninteresting nights; days spent on campus schooling, checking out boys, talking to friends when I see them..and nights sitting. Last week I found myself endlessly waiting for a call from Josh that never came, a game that I have since called to an end. He never really gave a reason why he started to ignore me; a passionate "i dont know, mark" was all I got, which is fine. I am over it. It's a damn shame, but I have spent to much time concerned with it already.

So aside from that stupidity, I am good I guess. I mean, I really love "I guess" ...because it basically negates the "I'm good" but allows me to get out of the situation without really classifying why. Maybe I want to classify it, and maybe I want to leave it at that. I think I am going to chose the latter, cause I didn't come back to blog solely about my sorrows..sorrows that are proabably minute anyway.

Anyway, my posting, like the weather, has gone from gorgeous and sunny...to cloudy and gloomy. But maybe a cold front will come through and whisk the clouds and dampness away. Likewise, I am hopin for something to come along to lighten my mood. I think this week is gonna get better since school is on the down-low again (tests and shite finished for a little while) and Josh is fading. So yeah, I'll leave with that bit of anticipation...and I will blog more tomorrow...if the mood so strikes me. Knowing how the mood comes inconsistently... we shall see. Talk to you later.

A Long, Happy Post

What a gorgeous day! I am currently sitting outside at Sandsprit Park back home. I figured I would write now and just post later when I have internet…no luck finding a random WiFi hotspot here. I guess in sitting here on the water I realized that I do miss Stuart, a little, on days like this. Gainesville is so lacking in the water department, its nice to just watch the boats go by, and the kayakers, and the old people all just lounging in their folding chairs in the sun. It’s so relaxed. I also laugh at the multitude of little dogs on colorful leashes. It seems like every other elderly couple has a little toy dog with them; I counted five just a few minutes ago. And the weather…it finally got to be wonderful, on this the second to last day of spring break. Lucky for all the FSU kids who get to come home today for a week of this great weather, when we got stuck with the rainy muck...but at least its nice today.

I am so happy to be out here; happy that I’m not laying inside doing nothing (I actually got my theory homework done), and even though I am not in the Bahamas like Erica or in New York like Axel, I am actually just happy with where I am for a change. It’s nice, it’s quiet, it’s relaxing.

Kristin and I watched the Notebook last night. Although romantic movies like that make me long to be straight and get me really annoyed with my gayness, I really enjoyed it. The ending was sad, but it was, in a way, happy in its sadness. Really touching. Afterwards I was slightly depressed, but I talked to Kristin and I realized that it isn’t too late to make some changes in my life. She said she was worried about my lack of focus on the things that matter…and it made me think. I really do want to start spending some more time on me- reading, working out (a friend of mine is forcing me to do Stadiums with him starting Monday, I think it will be intense but I am looking forward to it), drawing (gosh its been forever), playing the piano (like, really learning songs rather than just messing around)…stuff like that. I don’t think living in Beaty is a good enough excuse to let my life just go to shit. And right now, that’s what’s happening. I spend all my time chatting online, wondering about relationships, longing for boys, falling into the “I’m gay therefore I am miserable, horny, upset, and lonely” trap...and yeah. I really do feel I am better than that and that I could amount to more than that, regardless of where I live. True, living in a cement box in such close confines to someone else is a pain in the ass, but it isn’t a reason to do nothing with my life.

So yes, like last time I was home, I plan on going back to Gainesville with the intent to change my life around. However, when I went back after Christmas, Mike definitely got in the way, or rather, I let Mike fuck my mind up so badly that I didn’t do anything differently. This time, regardless of how the Josh thing plays out (different story for a different day) I will not let that happen. I am really excited, even though it’s the last half of the last semester of the year. I guess that Vanilla Sky quote really fits... “Every passing minute is another chance to turn it all around.”

And with that, I’m out.

*poof*

Must..post..before..Friday.......Yeah. Even though I don't really feel an update coming on, I feel like I owe it to my readers (haha) to not neglect my blog week after week. My life is currently paused, which usually happens when I come home for breaks. I am bored, but I'm definitely not ready to press play yet. I have a feeling that this last half of my third semsester at UF (holy shit, where did the time go) ...is gonna fly by soo fast. I cant wait to get out of Beaty..and to get some money coming in via a job, and...just out of this "transitory" freshman year bullshittime. I am so entirely done. But back to reality: I have nothing ready for Monday class and I definitely don't have the desire to do anything either. I have been staying up til 3 am talking to people online..which has been really nice, I have enjoyed it...but yet, I feel like...as far as productivity is concerned, this week has been a bust. Spring breaks usually are, I'm told. I didn't even get to wash my car because the weather is so damned disgusting, but alas, what can you do? Not my fault our spring break is more of a late-winter one.

Anyway, I dont really feel witty right now, or emotional, or interesting. I have been laying on my bed all day with the grey day outside my window...letting the Vanilla Sky soundtrack play over and over. I don't even really feel like this day has even happened...more like it evaporated into nothingness. This post is about to do the same. /.........