This is spring break?

So, I guess I lied (refer to last line of previous post). I believe this fact should make a certain someone quite smug, but since that person is my reason for not posting, I could really care less. I really wanted to post on Sunnday or Monday, but certain events occured that really upset me...so I put the blog out of my mind. I hate that she thinks she got the upper hand, but alas, it doesn't really matter now. What's done is done, and I think we are both happier because of it. Sometimes life just isnt pretty.

Anyway, aside from that glumness, this week has been good. Josh is about the cutest guy ever, and everytime I see him I am pleasntly reminded of that. I have really enjoyed spending time with him this week. School...sucks, but at least its over for a few days. I can't forget to practice though, because I have to have three songs memorized when I get back...which as of now, isn't happening by osmosis. I think I did badly on some tests this week, but one was incredibly and arbitrarily hard...and everyone did poorly. So I am not too overly concerned. The other (German Diction) was just carelessness, and if I get straight B's this semester... ::shrugs:: I guess there isn't too much I can do about it. Shit happens.

I can't really believe that it is spring break. The weather is so wintery and cold (oh maybe because it's still February..thats right)...and I dunno. I have a feeling the end of March is gonna come and its gonna be like...wanting a break all over again. I don't really have plans either, everyone else is going skiing, or to California, or on cruises...I am going home (eventually...I think I'm gonna stay in town for a few days later than everyone else)...and thats about it. I think Josh and I were gonna go to Epcot together (we both have free tickets) which should be quite fun. Other than that, I am just going to try and take it easy for the next ten days.

Alright kids, have a good day, and if I happen to neglect my blog again for the next week, my apologies in advance. I am going to try and post soon, though...which, after last week's promimse, is a statement yeilded untrustworthy...but what can I say. It was an interesting week. Talk to you later.

A Week Later...

Here I am, still alive..one week of being 19 accomplished. Time just keeps on keeping on, it seems. It has been a good week, made great just recently...::happy sigh:: Who would have thought that something..someone...would have come out of Valentine's Day, of all trite occurances in life!? Alas, stranger things have happened I guess. I am still pretty ear-to-ear, though. Anyway, I just read Erica's Blog and saw that she was so happy about going home.... It made me sincerely wish I could feel that desire to go back home, to see my friends, and be happy about it. But, for some reason, even though I ended up here alone on my birthday, I don't regret not going home. It isn't anything against the people, no, not that at all. But, something about Stuart, about having spent 18 years of my life there, about seeing cats and parents and broken signs and elderly people and ...yeah. Something just makes me want to distance myself more and more and more. I realized also, in sitting here alone on my birthday....that it really makes me happy that I only have a few months left here in this cement box. I look around at my clutter and my clothes all over the floor (because there is no place to storage them) and my food by my desk (because there is no room left in the cabinet) and I just smile...because I know my days in Beaty are starting to be numbered. This feeling is just...fantastic. I was waiting for the bus today with Josh (the reason for my ::happy sigh:: from earlier) and I also realized that bussing next year won't be as terrible as I thought it would be. It comes every few minutes, it is pretty reliable, and sure, it's more time consuming than living on campus..but I compare the living conditions of Beaty and Melrose in my mind and its like..wow. Happiness. I hope my friendship with EricaRose will survive the turmoil of the past semester, considering we are living together next year...I think it will, but I don't want to ignore all that's happened (or lack thereof) and move on either, because that simply wouldn't be fair. Some sort of progress has to be made, you know? But, alas, that is a different subject for a different day, and one that shouldn't be discussed on here anyway, so that is all I have to say about that. Goodnight all, promise my next post wont come a week from now. Bye.

«19»

So it is my birthday. 19 years old. Woot. I can't do anything new that I couldn't do yesterday. Haha. I had a nice night last night with Erica and Merit...you cant really ever go wrong with Carrabba's- even if the service is slow...heh. We also watched Ned Kelly, some obscure Heath Ledger movie that wasn't really bad at all. Today was great too- it was SO gorgeous out, and I ended up going to Harry's downtown with some people I know from Music. It was real unexpected and really nice- and Sarah and Martha actually paid for me. Yay. I was so happy that people actually care! Heh, that isn't to say that they dont- because I have gotten a lot of random calls and im's from people saying "Happy Birthday!" which has been real nice. It is nice when people go out of their way to say somethin, ya know? Anyway, Erica and Merit both left for home, in all reality a "party" or cake won't occur this evening, which is OK. As far as birthdays go, this one hasnt been so bad at all. And tomorrow should be grrreat. I am really looking forward to it. Woo. Alright kids, I'm 19, and I'm out.

General Bloggage

Alas, I am currently counting down the hours until my Advertising exam...a class in which I have no textbook, mediocre notes (since I was forced to skip the class twice...which is less than some people but still bad for me), and only half-hearted interest in. And here I sit, blogging, rather than studying. Surprising? Hardly. I guess not much has changed in my life since my last post...I have residence somewhere next year (dirt cheap, shitty bus route) with some close friends, so that should be good, I am talking to a really cool guy (who lives an hour and a half away) but who I really enjoy conversing with, I finally went to Publix so I don't have to starve and/or spend exorbitant amounts of money on Moe's-Bento-Chopstix -Chili's-Panera-et.al. , I have stopped "looking" for relationships and rather I talk to guys when they come along instead, which is currently working out nicely. I guess eventually, if it comes to that, I will have to "pick" .... but ::shrugs:: I guess I'll worry about that when I get to it.

On a random note, who knew that Frou Frou dates back 3 years to 2002??? Am I the only stupid fuck in the world that had never heard of her until the Garden State soundtrack came along?? I am a bit upset that she has been around three years and now all of a sudden she is mainstream...and I am one of the late joiners. Oh well, sometimes you cant help but follow where others have already been. I have noticed that more and more in college...that inevitably, everything you do in life has already been done by someone else- hence, you have to always attempt to forge your own paths..and live your own experiences rather than somebody else's. But I am getting a bit corny..heh. And I should probably go try and forge my way into what little ADV3000 notes I do have. Woot. I hope everyone has a great evening and a good Wednesday...3 days, baby....19. See ya.

[Side Note; See Previous]

The last post makes me sound incredibly bitter. Happily, that is wrong. I am having a great day, and I was smiling while writing that last post- even though it didnt sound it. Don't get me wrong people, it isn't a bad thing!! Just, erm, different. Have a great day. :)

Should I even post this?

Goodmorning. I was just reading one of my bestest friend's blogs (well, actually it isnt a blog but we wont hold that against him...silly livejournals) and I realized something. Well, let me back up. I noticed this morning that over these past few weeks I have come to a lot of subtle realizations about life. I don't really know where these realizations began or where they are going, but I do acknowledge that they have occured. After coming off the Mike thing early in January i suddenly found myself with little to no desire to pursue a relationship. This is what I had always thought I wanted...a boyfriend. That one person, to love unconditionally, to be incredibly cliche. It still sounds lovely, dont get me wrong...but I am coming to realize more and more that this college environment I currently find myself in is not exceedingly condusive to long-term relationships...especially not for homosexuals...espeically not in Gainesville. Some of you may say "psssh" to this, but let me finish. I find myself asking...how can you find a happy, loving relationship when you are so uncomfortable and unhappy with your day-to-day routine, your living environment, the endless string of gay.com hookups all around you, the completely and utter lack of privacy, "independence" in a town so utterly dependent on the actions of everyone else .... sorry, I am getting a bit long-winded. Anyway, as I read Will's LiveJournal, it hit me that the kind of relationship he has- the wine and cheese in the airport, sleeping over without any concern in the world type...is ultimately what I want. However, in the here and now, it is so remotely unfeasible. I am not 25, I am not in an urban location, I am not at all satisfied with my place in life at the moment. Maybe I am blind to it right now and I am using these features of Will's life to cloud my own....but at this point I don't feel like looking for that in a place where none of it is available. If it comes, so be it...but as I look around at the level of maturity here, and the sexual desires of the people I meet, and my sheer uncomfortablity in this virtually unrealistic place ...I cant help but just want to have fun. I am realizing more and more that I have some primal desire to just want to mess around with people, no strings attatched. I guess I am going through the infamous "slut phase" (as gays so lovingly and fondly refer to it) a bit late. I thought I tricked the system and skipped that phase, but the truths made themselves apparent, like it or not. So as Valentines Day approaches in all of it's heart-choked, pink ribbon, rose boquet and mushy greeting card infested glory, I say "fuck it" to relationships. Call it throwing in the towel, call it taking a stand, call it being a horny gay fuck with his morals being sucked into oblivion, call it what you will. I just don't see relationships as something I can find or be a part of at the moment. Eventually, when I am living on my own, and I distance myself from the triviality of Gainesville (I thought Gainesville would distance myself from the triviality of high school, but apparently they are one in the same in different regards)..I will realize that a "slut" is not something I want to sell myself out as. I think deep down, I don't want this, and maybe I will change my mind tomorrow, but as I sit here, I am sincerely tired of being the minority. If a realtionship comes along I will run with it, but until that day comes, I am fair game for anything. See ya.

My life as a desk.

What a week. I don't even know where to start blogging, so much has happened, so much is on my mind, so much is continuing to happen. I could go into a really long episode by episode recap, or I could just ignore the fact that anything happened at all and blog about somehting complrely irrelevant. I am not sure which option looks the best right now. I almost like the second one better...but what to write about?! Alas I am feeling uninspired, much due to my constant horniness of today. Today was wayyy up there on that scale. I wanted to jump a boy in Geography, I spent all of choir writing notes about general sex stuff to the guys around me (it isnt like that...just comic relief but still on the mind), myspace'd for a while and crooned over a certain beautiful guy....no name required....but yeah. Oy. Maybe I should just go to bed. I wish my life was in order- I feel like it is in such disarray- I look at my desk and see my life. Random shit everywhere, clothes unfolded, papers, money, valuable items tossed like worthless trinkets, a lot of good stuff but just a complete organizational nightmare. That is my life this week. I can't really explain why, either. I wake up in the morning and I can't tell what time it is, or why I am getting up, or what day it is, or whether or not I should even bother getting ready. I skip breakfast, starve for lunch, spend exorbitant amounts of money on food, and then I realize that this semester has me constantly running around unfulfilled...at least last semester I had some time to stop and reflect, people watch, pause. But this semester is just on constant speed, every day is a blur, pointless, unexciting, unrewarding. But yeah, I guess I am done...sleep it is...another day to look forward to tomorrow. Yes.