Midday thoughts

I don't really know what causes me to be so contemplative during the middle of any given weekday. I think it may be a combination of my consistent fascination with people, and the bustle of life here in a university setting. That and I always feel somewhat introspective when I am listening to my music and just sitting somewhere. Right now I am in the Plaza of the Americas and as per usual, I am not even looking at the keyboard as I type, I am just too enthralled with the passerby’s and that ever-present line of questioning...the" Who are you? Where do you fit in? What is your role in this place? What is your agenda?" thoughts that invade my brain everyday. So many people, so much diversity...and it's not even the cultural diversity of which we think of first, to me it is more of a personality diversity. Sure the stereotypes are present, the sorority chicks with greek letters emblazoned on their quilted totes, the "freaks" which have become so commonplace that the term is neither derogatory or individualistic anymore, the classic college guys with their striped polos, cargo shorts, flip flops, and fraternity caps...nothing new in this department. Yet, how can so many people made of the same simplistic molds be so vastly different? And a better question yet: why do I get so embroiled in it all? What is it about people that intrigues me so much? Maybe it is the fact that I know interesting people do in fact exist, and that they pass by every single moment, and yet meeting and getting to know one seems so damn near impossible. I think this fact is my painful reality. The ones that do happen to stumble upon our paths always lack something, some unit of character. Maybe, by simply knowing people in passing, in this fleeting manner, a person's sheer intrigue surpasses any flaws and misgivings they may have. Maybe this is why lasting friendships with "interesting" people are so few and far between....because as soon as people pass from simply being a nameless beautiful stranger and become someone with a name, a major, a birthplace... interest is somehow suddenly lost. Ironic how the original yearning to know all about people becomes the one reason they become less attractive and interesting.

But yes, these are my thoughts today, as I sit here and people watch. In the end, this is always my favorite way to spend an afternoon...and people often get in the way of the tasks I should be doing- the studying, the reading of the New York Times, the paper I should have written on my Journalism book....oh well. The diversity here is far too intriguing for me to waste time sitting here reading. And so I watch. And blog. And I think that finishes it for today. Signing off....

A "Quadruple Whammy"

As much as I detest the lovely state which I have the pleasure of calling "home," I don't think any state, Florida or otherwise, has the right to deal with nature's wrath in such an unrelenting manner. There have been 12 named storms this year, and every single one that has made landfall has effected Florida in some form. In my case, Frances and Jeanne both made direct landfall on top of Stuart, where my family and friends and home is located. I hate the place but it is still where I spent 18 years of my life, I was born in the hospital that lost it's roof to Frances (and now Jeanne), my neighborhood looks like a war zone, and my friends that are still in high school have missed almost two weeks of school because oft hese stupid storms. What's better is that Gainesville has been affected too- right now I am sitting inside because there are 50 mph winds and torrential rains outside, because both Frances and Jeanne made the same exact trek through Florida- first hititng Martin County, then going Northwest to Orlando, and then hitting G-Ville and Georgia. Unbelivable really. I really doubt my dad's mobile home made it through this storm (it was amazing, after all, that it survived Frances) because the winds are stronger and the impact more direct than it was three weeks ago. Whatever. I am just going to sit here and wonder if this hurricane madness is finally over, but seeing as how it isn't even October yet, I don't really forsee any reason for the hurricanes to stop coming. The worst flooding Stuart had seen in the past happened in late October, and we still have a week until October even begins. Whatever. i just hope that the worst is over, but I remember saying that three weeks ago after going home and seeing what Frances did. Now Jeanne was worse. Please let the shit be over.

My First All-Nighter

Well, rather than risk catching whatever illness my roomate has recently been dealing with, I decided after my 3 o'clock Cities of the World class that I would spend the afternoon, evening, and possibly the next day with Erica rather than going back to my dorm. Well, one thing led to another and pretty soon it went from being 4 to 8, from 8 to 11:30, from 11:30 to being 3...and so on and so forth. So now here it is, 7:06 am, absolutely zero sleep and little-to-no signs of deathly tiredness...my first all nighter accomplished. The birds are chirping and the sun is rising as I type this...the first dawn I've seen in many many months. It is wonderful that you have to stay up the entire night to expeience that.

It was really nice just talking to Erica for hours like old times, I feel as if I havent had that legitamate and "real" contact in quite some time, at least since the OPUS trip (I love that carefree feeling of just staying up all night talking about whatever happens to come across your mind...and suspending all thoughts about tomorrow until...well, tomorrow). Good stuff. Anyway, what next, I don't know. Maybe we'll go to sleep at like 9, just in time to miss the game (which was moved to 11:30 because of Hurricane Shitface Jeanne)...and get up late tonight, after the hurricane has already arrived. It is just a shame that I have no clothes with me (in case I get trapped here because of the storm) and even if I were to make it home, I have no clean underwear whatsoever. Oh well.

Bad news....I just yawned. I will make it through this! I think Erica might be fading fast too, despite her cravings for Steak and Shake (too bad we are trapped on campus because of the evils of Gator Football)....ah lovely. Well that is all for now, I will post something more later.

So much good, so much bad

Today has been quite a problem. I have about four topics with which I could write this post about. Which one to tackle, is really beyond me. Maybe I'll do them all, systematically.

1. Thinking can have disasterous results.

I find that I think way, way, way too much about everything. Blame AP classes, blame my overactive brain cells, but I don't know how someone with not-off-the-chart intelligence thanks so fucking much. I find myself wondering what my point in being at this place is, what it is that sets me apart from the hundreds of other attractive college guys who look exactly the same as me, why I am in the classes I am in, and why, if I am so "great" as my friends say I am, why meeting people and fitting in here is such a fucking hard process. I think I have unrealistic expectations:

2. I want to experience everything, right NOW.

I have been here at UF for the fall session for what, about a month or so. Yet, for some reason, I came with the expectation that I was going to experience all that college had to offer already. I find myself disappointed that my roomates are sub-par, my dorm isn't social, that partying is exclusive and boring, and that the classes I am in simply do not feel like the college classes I was expecting. Maybe it is a GOOD thing that I feel like I am not in school everyday. However, being forced through 12 years of public education starts to wear you out, that you end up expecting to die in school. And some people are dying here, which makes me wonder even more if I am somehow cheating the system, or cheating myself. I don't really quite understand. Another thing I dont quite understand is today's unbelievable and startling shift in:

3. The Weather!

I woke up this morning and was cold. For the first time, MY dorm room was cold? Something must be up. So I shower, get dressed, and go outside. To my disbelief, there is a CHILLY breeze, it isnt blazingly hot, the humidity is virtually non-exisistant, and I was simply thrilled. The first hints of fall are finally here! I can start wearing long-sleeve shirts, sweaters, ooh the excitement. That is all I have to say about that. Cold air makes me a much, much happier person. However...

4. How can I be so happy and yet so miserable at the same time?

How can so many things go right, and then virtually and almost simultaneously, enough things go wrong to successfully cancel out all the happy things? This is the predicament I am dealing with today. I am an emotional mess, not because I am unhappy, but because so many unfortunate things are happening on top of wonderful things. I am starting to lose the ability to discern between the two. The fact that I had four topics to write about should prove that a LOT is going on in Mark-land today, for whatever reason. I think I am trying to prove to myself that I am not a nobody, that I do in fact have something to offer life. But I still reconsider that and sink back into my old mode, but I am really trying to overcome it. Oh well, I guess that whole "one step forward, two steps back" philosophy applies here.

Well, so concludes my quartet of quandaries.

My worst nightmare. Lived.

Ask anyone what their number one fear is, and they either say "heights," "speaking in front of people," or "rejection." For me, this last one has a particularly high status in my book. Tonight that fear came to life...for in my quest to reach out and meet people, talk to people I normally wouldn't think I could approach, make strides in the right direction towards being outgoing...BAM. I was shut down. Never before have I felt so worthless, like I made the complete wrong impression, wishing for every second that I could go back in time and fix what ever it was that I fucked up so badly. If this person is reading this, so be it, you know who you are. No words can express the name of the place where I find myself. Humiliated? Ashamed? Embarrassed? Terrible? No, none of those speak enough about how fucking lame ass I feel. And with my luck, this person will just think that what I'm writing now is just more and more evidence about what a fucking FREAK I actually am. Well, sorry. You are wrong there. I do feel shitfaced about what happened but I sincerely know that I am not that much of a pathetic lunatic. Whatever. I am going to try my hardest not to think about it, but the vicious cycle that is my thought process is just going to make me think about it more and more, making me more and more miserable and depressed. This just is NOT what I needed at this point of the game. I fucking hate this. Fuck life.

Real food? In college? Yup.

I just made a real dinner for myself and it was probably the best thing I've eaten since the beginning of August. Basically I exerted myself and made food because I was feeling SO pathetic and worthless from sitting on my ass for hours that I had to do something worthwile. So I did. I made Uncle Ben's Butter and Herb Wild Rice, a couple of pork chops on the George Forman grill, a Tomato salad (that was missing something in the dressing, but oh well)...overall very enjoyable. It was nice to put my culinary skills to use, I havent had that experience in a while. It was also probably the first time in a long time that something didn't go wrong while cooking (I made spaghetti last week and came precariously close to having all 400 residents of Beaty West outside in the parking lot because the steam almost set the fire alarm off....but we won't tell anybody about that....Anyway, that is my update. Time to study music theory some more....Dorian! Aolian! Ionian! Fuck-you-ian! (i hate modes with a passion....)

Gainesville ROCKS.

I just got finished driving around G-Ville aimlessly....what an enlightening experience! How can people think that looking like exact carbon copies of each other makes them MORE attractive? It makes absolutely no sense to me whatsoever. Here I am driving downtown and a troop of 6 guys, each wearing distressed jeans, red striped or blue striped button-down shirts, and dress shoes crosses the street right in front of me. I had to veer to avoid hitting them. I just don't understand how they expect to stand out when they look like mirror images of each other.

Everyone in this town, including myself, looks the same. It is a huge epidemic in today's society. Stores like American Eagle and Abercrombie have made it nearly impossible to stand out, so the ones who strive for noncomformity are forced to go to stores like Hot Topic, where, inevitably, they are forced to conform to a different standard. It is a huge shame that everyone looks the same and, more importantly, that noone is even remotely concerned about it.

The ladies aren't exempt either: I understand that the short frilly mini-skirts and halter tops are attractive, but when every one of you wears one, you blend into a sea of half-assed actractiveness that looses all character and interest whatsoever. Why dress up when all you are going to do is get wasted, drunk, sweaty, and uncomfortable anyway? You might as well wear comfortable clothing if the guy you are eventually going to hook up with will be completely intoxicated to the point where you could be as "hot" as a fire hydrant and he would still bang you. I mean, come on. Who are you trying to impress? Whatever.

As much as I hate siting here alone in my dorm, the club scene here seems entirely pointless. I wish that mature people could just go to a nice bar and socially drink and talk without all this sexual inuendo, loud music, crowdedness, and discomfort. Mature, but not boring, I beg to clarify. And I'm not saying that people shouldnt dress up, I just wish that it wasnt so cookie-cutter. I also am not saying that people shouldn't have fun, because I do understand the desire to let all cares go, fuck, I need that right now myself. It just seems a non-interesting or fun means of accomplishing that. But whatever. I guess I am somewhat alone in this thought process. Maybe after a few years here I will find some people that thnk the same as I do. Who knows. Right now, being a Beaty Towers freshman, it's nearly impossible to find "normalcy" that isn't in the form of drunken, coked up, frat guys and sorority chicks. An over-generalization? Sure. But right now I am lonely enough to be irrational.

Sorry to anyone I may have offended in this post. Goodnight....

Life isn't revolving around me, it's rushing past

Life has been a blur for the past few days. A lot has been on my mind, I am yearning to meet new people to the point of craziness (and embarrasing myself in the process), and I am feeling as if everything is going on around me and I'm standing still for some reason. College should be full of new experiences, new friends, new places to go...and my days are pretty much summed up by...lets see. Walking to the music building, having all my classes in one place with lots of familiar (but not friendly) faces, and walking home. After that I get online and sit at the facebook and look at all the experiences I should be having but that I seem to be missing out on. True, I have to take the initiatve, but, for example, in trying to meet people, I have simply felt stupid, tounge tied, or too emotional for them to bother talking to me again. That, and a lot of people are simply not condusive to being friends with. I have encountered nice people, sure, but there seems to be an excess of rude ones too. Maybe I am hallucinating or something, but that is how it seems to me. I have met people online but the internet is a medium that is so ephemeral...people are talkative one second and silent the next, active one minute and suddenly idle the next. It leaves me with a feeling of confusion, lonliness, and the thought "what just happened?" But such is the fine practice of instant messaging. Instant to send, sure, but not always so instant in recieving. I do have one happy and concluding thought: It is Friday. Hoorah.