An Update...and then some.
So the Internet has been out for almost 24 hours and I feel completely disconnected with the world. It is almost surreal to not have 10 Instant Message windows open, even more names flashing on my buddy list, and to not be checking and rechecking Myspace and Facebook simultaneously. I have determined that sitting online is almost an addiction for me: it is pretty near all I end up doing when I have down time. Furthermore, when it goes out like it has been all day today, I too kinda shut down; proof-positive: it has been a lousy, lousy day.
Since I stayed up til 6am yesterday (I obviously was connected then)…I woke up at an alarming 2pm today. It was rainy and miserable out and the internet was down, so I bummed around in my room all afternoon, half-assedly cleaning but not really being all that productive. Since I didn’t get the job at Bonefish Grill like I had been hoping, I was supposed to go out and apply at more places, but my pride got the better of me and I moped around here instead. If only they hadn’t have said the reason I didn’t get the job was because I “didn’t fit the personality profile of Bonefish employees” and that because I “scored outside of the acceptable range” (on the 45 minute long personality and basic skills test I was required to take) that I wouldn’t be coming back for an interview… I probably wouldn’t have cared so much. But to give me such a stupid reason without a call to my previous employer or an interview is just plain disheartening. So yeah, I said, “fuck you!” to the job search for today.
After being blah both mentally and physically for a few hours, I showered and went to see The Interpreter with some friends. I enjoyed it…it’s probably my favorite Nicole Kidman flick I’ve ever seen. For a movie with absolutely NO sex appeal at all (Sean Penn is so freakin ugly I can’t handle it…and Nicole is really pretty, yes…but we all know that that really doesn’t work for me at all) it held my interest pretty decently. It was actually kinda nice to not be horny and drooling all over some unattainably hot actor for 2 hours of my life. Afterwards we went to get ice cream at Publix and we all just chilled at Erica’s house. So yeah, even though the past two days have been overly lousy, the past two nights have been great (last night a bunch of us went to The Gardens, California Pizza Kitchen, and the Apple Store (where they fixed my defective iPod for no cost whatsoever…I was so profoundly happy)).
Anyway, I didn’t really intend for this post to be a generic update type of rundown. A pretty serious topic has been on my mind for some time...ever since the last day of freshman year (Beaty Liberation Day) to be exact. After my last exam I found out some real disappointing news (also somewhat private) that has been looming in my mind and I have been pondering how and what to post…but I’ve really been coming up blank. I have tried to sit down and blog about five times and each time I do I stare a blank text field for 20 minutes before giving up. I guess it took Adelpha to leave me with absolutely no Internet for twenty some odd hours (and therefore, no unending string of distractions flashing in my face) in order to get me to write. So here goes:
Basically, my brother’s marriage is pretty much over. I was nauseous at first, because I love them both so much. In fact, I still get somewhat sick to my stomach when I think about a divorce and the implications that come from it. I grew up in a broken up family and to think of my niece with that stressful childhood really pains me. I also feel sad for my poor mom who has such a hard time as it is: my oldest brother excommunicated himself from the family, I ended up gay, and now the only semblance of normalcy in the fucked up Barilla clan is pretty much caput. I was really flat-out mad at my brother at first; I mean, for someone who I’ve looked up to for my entire life and who I love so much…to go and arbitrarily end something so seemingly great really confused me. True, I don’t (and I still don’t) know the entire story, but it just seemed so shocking, to hear this news.
Over the past few days though I have realized something about our society today…a society whose divorce rate is skyrocketing and where stories like my brother’s are no longer found exclusively in the plots of made-for-Lifetime movies. I think, somehow, that it’s so much easier for people today to move on to something new and exciting when a relationship seems to be dying out. Fifty years ago, fidelity wasn’t questioned; anniversaries came and came again, and instead of them signifying “wow, how the hell did we make it through another year?” they were actually a testament to something greater. I really don’t think that couples back then were any happier than their modern-day counterparts; that is, there was the same desire for separation as there is today, since deep down, few relationships have what it takes to withstand years and years of pressure. The difference is really the fact that people just didn’t act on those initial desires: they sucked it up, and suffered though it. Dissatisfied wives, cheating husbands, argumentative couples, and closeted homosexuals were all forced, by society, to live it out, like it or not.
Today though, divorce is easy. I mean, we are so used to getting what we want when we want it that…shit, if a relationship isn’t working out, why not try something new? Just take a look around: we can Google anything and get a million responses in a second; we don’t have to suffer though fast-forwarding or commercials to hear the music we want since we now have 10,000 songs on our iPod that we carry everywhere, we can jack-off to that steamy-scene in a movie by using chapter select on a DVD to get us to that scene before we even lose our hard-on; we can login to any one of a thousand dating sites and search so specifically about who we think we want that we forget about all the amazing people who we may not realize we want (the shitty Bonefish personality test is another perfect example of that).
These trends are everywhere, which is why I can’t blame my brother for feeling the way he does. I think he’s just like all of us who now find it so easy and tempting to do whatever it takes to end dissatisfaction as soon as possible; whether it be >> to the next song, clicking “no” to one e-match just to see the next, Ti-vo’ing through every commercial break while watching your favorite episode of Seinfeld, or, in this case, following through with a divorce and finding someone new in less time than it did to really decipher the problem in the first place.
So yeah. Our society is impatient, and really, just plain spoiled. I don’t think any of us, even those who “stop to smell the roses” are exempt. So many aspects of our lives unconsciously lean toward the quickest possible route. I’m not saying that people don’t suffer, because people do each and every day. But it’s the way people ease that suffering, rather than living and growing through it, that’s scary.
Alright. I have sufficiently rambled my way into a 1,300 word essay-long blog post extraordinare (or not). I apologize to any of you who fell asleep mid-read. I should probably go to sleep myself…so I guess I’ll wrap this up by saying (a) my internet is still out (b) that I will be going to bed before 3 am for the first time in 4 days (c) Paul, if you read this, I still love you very much...and (d) goodnight. Oh, and (e) please comment on this, if you’d like.
Since I stayed up til 6am yesterday (I obviously was connected then)…I woke up at an alarming 2pm today. It was rainy and miserable out and the internet was down, so I bummed around in my room all afternoon, half-assedly cleaning but not really being all that productive. Since I didn’t get the job at Bonefish Grill like I had been hoping, I was supposed to go out and apply at more places, but my pride got the better of me and I moped around here instead. If only they hadn’t have said the reason I didn’t get the job was because I “didn’t fit the personality profile of Bonefish employees” and that because I “scored outside of the acceptable range” (on the 45 minute long personality and basic skills test I was required to take) that I wouldn’t be coming back for an interview… I probably wouldn’t have cared so much. But to give me such a stupid reason without a call to my previous employer or an interview is just plain disheartening. So yeah, I said, “fuck you!” to the job search for today.
After being blah both mentally and physically for a few hours, I showered and went to see The Interpreter with some friends. I enjoyed it…it’s probably my favorite Nicole Kidman flick I’ve ever seen. For a movie with absolutely NO sex appeal at all (Sean Penn is so freakin ugly I can’t handle it…and Nicole is really pretty, yes…but we all know that that really doesn’t work for me at all) it held my interest pretty decently. It was actually kinda nice to not be horny and drooling all over some unattainably hot actor for 2 hours of my life. Afterwards we went to get ice cream at Publix and we all just chilled at Erica’s house. So yeah, even though the past two days have been overly lousy, the past two nights have been great (last night a bunch of us went to The Gardens, California Pizza Kitchen, and the Apple Store (where they fixed my defective iPod for no cost whatsoever…I was so profoundly happy)).
Anyway, I didn’t really intend for this post to be a generic update type of rundown. A pretty serious topic has been on my mind for some time...ever since the last day of freshman year (Beaty Liberation Day) to be exact. After my last exam I found out some real disappointing news (also somewhat private) that has been looming in my mind and I have been pondering how and what to post…but I’ve really been coming up blank. I have tried to sit down and blog about five times and each time I do I stare a blank text field for 20 minutes before giving up. I guess it took Adelpha to leave me with absolutely no Internet for twenty some odd hours (and therefore, no unending string of distractions flashing in my face) in order to get me to write. So here goes:
Basically, my brother’s marriage is pretty much over. I was nauseous at first, because I love them both so much. In fact, I still get somewhat sick to my stomach when I think about a divorce and the implications that come from it. I grew up in a broken up family and to think of my niece with that stressful childhood really pains me. I also feel sad for my poor mom who has such a hard time as it is: my oldest brother excommunicated himself from the family, I ended up gay, and now the only semblance of normalcy in the fucked up Barilla clan is pretty much caput. I was really flat-out mad at my brother at first; I mean, for someone who I’ve looked up to for my entire life and who I love so much…to go and arbitrarily end something so seemingly great really confused me. True, I don’t (and I still don’t) know the entire story, but it just seemed so shocking, to hear this news.
Over the past few days though I have realized something about our society today…a society whose divorce rate is skyrocketing and where stories like my brother’s are no longer found exclusively in the plots of made-for-Lifetime movies. I think, somehow, that it’s so much easier for people today to move on to something new and exciting when a relationship seems to be dying out. Fifty years ago, fidelity wasn’t questioned; anniversaries came and came again, and instead of them signifying “wow, how the hell did we make it through another year?” they were actually a testament to something greater. I really don’t think that couples back then were any happier than their modern-day counterparts; that is, there was the same desire for separation as there is today, since deep down, few relationships have what it takes to withstand years and years of pressure. The difference is really the fact that people just didn’t act on those initial desires: they sucked it up, and suffered though it. Dissatisfied wives, cheating husbands, argumentative couples, and closeted homosexuals were all forced, by society, to live it out, like it or not.
Today though, divorce is easy. I mean, we are so used to getting what we want when we want it that…shit, if a relationship isn’t working out, why not try something new? Just take a look around: we can Google anything and get a million responses in a second; we don’t have to suffer though fast-forwarding or commercials to hear the music we want since we now have 10,000 songs on our iPod that we carry everywhere, we can jack-off to that steamy-scene in a movie by using chapter select on a DVD to get us to that scene before we even lose our hard-on; we can login to any one of a thousand dating sites and search so specifically about who we think we want that we forget about all the amazing people who we may not realize we want (the shitty Bonefish personality test is another perfect example of that).
These trends are everywhere, which is why I can’t blame my brother for feeling the way he does. I think he’s just like all of us who now find it so easy and tempting to do whatever it takes to end dissatisfaction as soon as possible; whether it be >> to the next song, clicking “no” to one e-match just to see the next, Ti-vo’ing through every commercial break while watching your favorite episode of Seinfeld, or, in this case, following through with a divorce and finding someone new in less time than it did to really decipher the problem in the first place.
So yeah. Our society is impatient, and really, just plain spoiled. I don’t think any of us, even those who “stop to smell the roses” are exempt. So many aspects of our lives unconsciously lean toward the quickest possible route. I’m not saying that people don’t suffer, because people do each and every day. But it’s the way people ease that suffering, rather than living and growing through it, that’s scary.
Alright. I have sufficiently rambled my way into a 1,300 word essay-long blog post extraordinare (or not). I apologize to any of you who fell asleep mid-read. I should probably go to sleep myself…so I guess I’ll wrap this up by saying (a) my internet is still out (b) that I will be going to bed before 3 am for the first time in 4 days (c) Paul, if you read this, I still love you very much...and (d) goodnight. Oh, and (e) please comment on this, if you’d like.
posted by Mark at 2:09:00 AM
3 Comments:
That was a very insightful post, Mark, and I totally agree with you. I couldn't have said it better myself.
Hey Marky Mark... I know I'm kinda late on commenting, but I just wanted to tell you that I totally agree with your take on society. Living in a big city this past year, I realized how everyone is constantly in a state of "hurry up and wait." You can't wait until 10 minutes from now, then the 10 minutes is there, and you can't wait for the next hour to come, and then the next year, and so forth. The nation has adapted the crazed impatience of its populus, and really catered to it in a way, by making things like divorces so easy and acceptable. Instead of waiting for that one true love, people are looked down upon if they're older than 35 and single. Anyway, just wanted to stop by and say you rock my life, and we will definitely hang out this summer! <3
I asked Paul how you were doing and he told me to visit your blog...I didn't anticipate you writing about us....very insightful and undeniably realistic notions about our society today.
However, the facts presented to you about the dissolution of our marriage are not exactly correct, therefore greatly altering your analysis of our individual separation.
I tell you this because I see the comments on this subject, and I determined that none have truly indulged in the depths of what life has to offer...or take away. My marriage to your brother has been the best of times and the worst of times. Undeniably, I had thought your brother was the love of my life.
I think it would be horrible to let you think that nothing could withstand time; that we are all aimlessly pinballing from one to another. Life is about choices, but unfortunately one cannot control the choices of another. Admittedly, therein lies the problem.
Sometimes, what it is that you are looking for may be a utopia never to be found. Those who are happiest in life find their treasures in what they already have; rediscovering, redefining, and embellishing. After all, we are all pretty much the same when the layers of the onion are peeled; we just want to be loved.
To that end, It really doesn't make a difference with a shiny new gem...soon the gleaming shine will fade and then it becomes fools gold. In fact, it becomes much like the previous one, maybe not even as high of quality.
There are so many confused people today with regards to their personal relationships. It seems as if something new should fix the dissatisfaction at hand, as you indicated. I just want to say to them, why the confusion? It seems very simple to me. In order to grow in life we need to repair ourselves, not throw out something that was once precious, and still could be. True, nothing stays forever; but that doesn't mean that a relationship cannot evolve, essentially changing and redefining itself, thereby becoming a completely different entity.
I really do believe that this "throwing away" is what creates the neverending circle of repeat failed relationships. In fact, as the circle keeps going around, there are even more created opportunities for failure.
Granted, some realtionships are never meant to be; they are selfish, unhealthy, and self destructing. The challenge in life is to separate those from the precious ones.
I am not claiming to have answers, especially at this point in my life, given my failed
relationship. I am not even sure which category our marriage fell into. However, ironically, I still do believe in marriage, it's longevity, and it's fufillment. I am not buying into the fact that relationships cannot last, in spite of what is happening to mine.
Another thing; don't think that just because you are gay that you will not have a great partner in life. Sex and sexual orientation have nothing to do with the true depths of a relationship. That is only the beginning. From there, your relationship is just like every other person in this world. Undoubtedly, you will experience some hurdles that heterosexual comples will not; but ultimately, it will not affect your happiness and satisfaction with life any less. Unless, of course, you let it. It will be YOUR decision and your own personal growth to determine your own happiness; not anyone else in this world can create this euphoria for you...it is solely your responsibility and creation.
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